Love and Grace

2011-04-29T01:31:00.002+08:00

I had a bad month. Not just a bad month. It has been more than two bad months. Teachers IN OUT, students crying because of several reasons that have nothing to do with me or my lessons, weird parents and their complaints, messy management from HQ, partner who is unable to assist me in most of need, demanding lesson plans for English classes especially Korean students and students who have retain in a level for very long, teachers of mine who face death and facing chronic illness.

Looking back at the photos (I can't share them with you as it is P&C and I need to get permissions from parents if I were to use their photos), I smile sweetly. My centre is not bad. I have been thinking negatively that it has been bad. And, most of all, it is my students. They are adorable. I love them. When I look at the books of the programme I am running. I truly see one thing: knowledge. I don't see money as most business person would do.

Who is who?

2011-04-28T03:27:00.005+08:00

Can you tell who is who?

2011-04-19T03:19:00.003+08:00

It is a rocket science to understand that the whole universe survives on human leading human. It is dangerous and in fact the most not reliable at all. People like Moses, Joshua, Jacob, John, Peter and etc. are leaders selected by Jesus. I truly come to a point where I don't understand the game God has started, the life God has created and the human God chosen.

Human leads human is what the eye can see but it is actually very abstract and it can be either a neutral idea or a negative idea.

I come to the cliff where I feel like letting go again and just fall down to the grass and rest for a long, long time.

I failed to take it this afternoon. I talked a lot with my teacher to release the stress because if I don't talk it out I will surely break down. It was really too much for me to hold on to it. I just can't anymore.

I just can't. I can't talk about it and I can't share with any people I know as I am the leader of my business. Whether I like it or not, it is not ethical to talk about it with people outside the circle. Hence, whether my teacher likes it or not she has to kind of know what is going on and what is happening and what is the interest of the company.

My office was in a mess until just now 11.30pm. My body somehow responded to me to move on and continue to fight. My whole body was almost NUMBED AND LOOSE ITS FEELING FOR ALMOST WHOLE YEAR!

GOD.

sick and tired

2011-04-10T19:27:00.002+08:00

I am very sick and tired of unable to come out curriculum lesson planning.

I am sick and tired of unable to solve the problem of how to keep track of student's progression effectively and creatively.

I NEED SOS HELP!!!

Yeah and Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

2011-04-03T22:07:00.002+08:00

Can you spot the different emotion and setting of these two pictures?

One is playing and jumping with excitment; whereby; the other one is full of important notices and tasks to complete soon.

That is how I feel. God what should I do? I really DON'T KNOWWWWWW

Hang on or let go?

2011-03-29T02:05:00.005+08:00

I believe that many people are at the point of the top where they feel like letting it go and then the next thing you know you fall. Fall to the nearest cliff or totally to the ground.

I have no idea why I climb high up and at this point of time I only have one hand holding myself up. I feel like I can't take it anymore and feel like letting myself fall to the ground.

Does it worth it? I feel that it is not worth it and I should bite on. However, I still have this feeling to just let go and don't want to care anymore. Is that what my friend feels too? What decision they make?

It is going to be a life chancing decision once we let go. Why do I have to struggle? Why can't I have another support to come at the right timing to pull me up?

No one seems to know that I am falling off the cliff soon. No one seems to care or help. No one. Every one just so busy of themselves. What should I do? Like Jesus self sacrifice? What should I do?

Am I?

2011-03-27T22:45:00.005+08:00

I went shopping today and realised that most women in the ladies store were either small in size or extremely thin. When I stood next to them, I felt like I was a round penguin meeting a big group of giraffes.

The next depressing thing was most clothes I tried had already run out of sizes or too big or too tight. None just comfortably fit. I am looking for comfortably fit! The market only sees people like them to be their customers, penguin's size like me is not welcome.

Am I overweight or obese? Most women I meet, they are small, tall and fit or extremely thin... Gosh... I feel so emo thinking about that as though I don't even deserve to eat because I already have enough calories to last me the whole month!

Can I fly?

2011-03-26T23:30:00.001+08:00

Am I a flightless bird? ... I know only God will make me fly with me...

Did I?

2011-03-26T23:26:00.003+08:00

Did I miss any sunshine opportunity? God tells me...

Pengu students

2011-03-23T00:18:00.002+08:00

My students look like them when the main instructor is out of the classroom to talk to parents. Most of them does not know what to do and they will just stand their with their hands straight down and calling gently 'teacher PoayLing...' They are so adorable. May Jesus protect and bless them. Jesus loves children and the one with child-like heart will enter the kingdom of God.

Emo.

2011-03-20T23:59:00.002+08:00

A picture speaks a thousand words. This is how I feel. Tight down. Need anointing from heaven to wet me.

Lord, I need you more and more each day. Please don't leave me waiting dry. Thank you Jesus.

WHY?

2011-02-27T23:53:00.003+08:00

I want to be fit. I am been in the dilemma of renting house and staying at places that are old. When will I have a new house? New kitchen, living room, toilet, bedroom and working room?

God puts me in it. I don't know why. I feel so dry and down for the past few weeks and I don't have any choices or any side to go when I am down into oppression, accusation and stress.

I feel disappointed. The faith is there but the Jesus I used to be so closed with is as though absent. His voice says that He is still here, His words tell me that He will never leave me but I can't sense His anointing and strong sweet wet presence for a long time already.

When will it be back to normal? My life has been stirred until it can't go back to normal but I pray it will be beautiful blessing flowing everywhere by the end of the day.

Jesus celebrates CNY with me

2011-02-04T17:26:00.002+08:00

I guess many people have blogged about CNY and how unhappy or happy they are during this CNY. Anyone can easily read what you write about them here.

I don't want to blog anything about my family whether it is good, bad, mistreated, being loved and blessed - Jesus walked with me. Thank you Jesus for such a close relationship you give me.

Often, many of us, we feel kind of left our during Chinese New Year as most of our relatives might not be of the same age and share the same interest. I feel closer to Jesus when I feel kind of left out. No one can love and care for us like Jesus does. Our parents' love is the secondary love from God and I personally have this thought that God created human and made us have parenting love for our children just like how He loves us.

Have you ever walked so closed and know deep in your soul and heart that Jesus is real and He is close with you every day? He is.

2011-02-03T16:30:00.002+08:00

Love. Children. Loved one. Friends. Brothers and sisters.

If you love him/her, give him a blank piece of paper to create.

Present him every opportunity to hand on to help than prepare everything and too comfortable; thus, he forgets how to have comfort and immune to servant hood.

Prepare him a room, with simple bed, simple table, chair and shelfs, for growth, improvement and self discovery.

Give him space to move, express and to be moody.

Give him a wide window for sunlights to shine and shadows to follow so he can feel life, nature and beauty.

Prepare him simple food and simple 'umbrella' for 'rain' - you know what 'umbrella' you need for your home and loved ones.

Show him discipline, talk and reinforcement when it is needed.

'spare the rod, spoil the child'. - Proverbs

'If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. ' - Matthew.

'Love thy neighbour like your love thyself'

Show respect, love, care, good response, flexibility, share wise thoughts for action is louder than words - he WILL follow and realise.

Put God first for no other things should be before the Almight.

------ Kicpling ------

Chinese!

2011-02-02T23:02:00.002+08:00

So, I am home now. It seems like almost every corner and every building in Penang has changed except home.

It can be good and bad.

The moment I entered my house, haven't even change, dad started to ask me to show him my medical report. I totally forgot to bring home!!! *Shuuuuut* The next thing is my diet is being questioned and the next thing is all the rules and regulations I must follow. The next thing is all important letters were given to me whether I have time to take a breath or not I must take all of them and read them now.

The next thing is how much is my salary - check all the details like as though I am a girl - well, i am fine if people ask as they care but as to compare with cousins and keep telling me what wrong foot steps others have taken won't help. I don't look up to them and most of all I am not them. I am who I am and I am a sinful person God saved and renewed.

Checking out all my things and only leave comments that I wish I never know. Is this Chinese thing? I really don't understand. I have Chinese blood, I grow up learning mandarin and share the same culture. However, it is just different. WHy ah?

God, bring me to walk with you closer and I hope I have patience for these few days. Thank you for your faithfulness.

3 battles in a day and fight back in the name of Jesus

2011-01-25T01:30:00.008+08:00

Reflections...

I begin the blog with birds flying freely in the sky and a woman ready to get inthe battle.

That is what I see at the end of the day, by God's grace and mercy He lets me realise that I can choose freedom and fly with Him.

If you say it is not the enemy's plan, I don't believe. As I reflect back, since morning until night I am being annoyed from many parties.

Incident 1: All this while, I, as the tenant at my centre, have the right to borrow trolley and the cleaner and the guard or the cleaner will push it back to the place where the trolley belongs. It has been like since the day we move in to the building.

Today, suddenly the bell rang. I opened the door. A lady, with spectacles and with office lady clothes, came to complain. I actually forgot that I was the one used the trolley as I was very busy with work and totally too indulged until I forgot that it was me who last used the trolley. She came in and talked like she is the boss. She is being very bossy in deed. She complained that the tenants use the trolley and it belongs to another party and so on and blah and blah and blah. Well, I guess I don't look like part of the boss that was why she kept whining and complaining and increased her voice as she talked. --- TRY TO IMPOSE WHATEVER NON BLACK AND WHITE LAWS ON TENANT = ME.

After thinking through and analyse problem: The trolley belongs to a public property, meaning there is no black or white saying the tenant cannot use the trolley. Secondly, the lady must have been complained by any of her superiors and I guess she did not receive good bonus from her boss. Thus, frustrated and cranky.

If all the tenants leave them within two years,I seriously believe that this complex will face serious turn over and financial problem. Lastly, I feel that it is really not the tenants' problem. The landlord is not efficient and they are trying impose their whatever ways they like on us. Worst, we pay more than RM1200 of maintenance fee + cleaning fee per month and we are pushed to follow man's approval to live.

Come to think about it, I really praise God for His creation. Thank God that He creates Man is the leader of the family and man has the figure of leader. I am not saying woman is any less to be a good leader. I met many great leaders and they are strong women. However,female tends to have many 'blah blah blah' and not straight to the point and not straight to the problem and thus no solution then they will complain and behave like childish and foolish person.

Incident 2: BB complained the calculation of fee.

We have tried our best and some parents really very fussy about the school fee. I am trying my best and sometimes we cannot argue as we really cannot do anything. Well, I will look at it as 'ok, I will take note of that and we will not do it again' If any clients complain, I would ask them to write in to email to the big boss.

Again, unreasonable and foolish thinking is trying to imposed to me.

BB should come in and work with us for a week - hey, maybe BB should take over my role and promise no mistake like miss out students, books and etc. Then, BB will know.

Incident 3: HQ foolish returning stocks.

Dah la not enough books for almost 364 days in a year now they want us to return more than half a thousand of books. I really don't understand. The blood rush up to the top of my head! I can feel the heat and the anger! I complain at home. Poor Kee Aun and family have to hear this.

At first, I wrote a long email to complain and express my frustration. After cooling down, I prayed and decided that I will keep my email short using powerful reasons and words. If they really want me to return I know what to do. I will return to them. I don't live for my company and I don't live for secure amount of books. I live for Jesus. In my journey I walk with Him and I walk for Him. I want to depend on God to open doors for me for victory and win this battle of 'requesting the amount of books we suppose to have'.

I want to depend on Jesus to win the victory like Nehemiah, Benjamin, David and Moses. The people that come to my mind are Nehemiah and David. I pray that God's favour and mercy upon me and I pray that I win and walk with victory in the name of Jesus, not by my way and strength but by depending on Him to lead. I have done my part to write emails to the right authority and stated clearly the solid reason. The rest I just surrender to Jesus.

'The victory is mine but the battle is the Lord, HOSANA HOSANA X2' I want to depend on Jesus.

There are 3 major sides of parties come at the same time to impose non black and white rules and tighten me. I see myself stronger than before. I still respond over it. If I say I don't and only think and then only respond - I AM LYING! When you are in my position, you will know what I mean. But I see that this tearing down let me see that I am stronger - I am not so afriad anymore and I am not in anxiety like tomorrow I will be dead meat. I feel that what I need to do is to pray hard, walk with faith and walk close with God to win this battle. I will do 100% what I need to do and the rest I leave it to Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Practice Theory even you totally don't feel like doing it.

2011-01-23T23:33:00.004+08:00

'Practice Theology'

This is the phrase hits me during the Sunday's sermon. I have studied 4 years about being a teacher, methodology, ethics, philosophy, sociology, leadership and etc. I have the tendency to not practice all the theories and methodology I studied when I teach and worst of all I feel like giving up. I feel like I want a break and I rather work as a librarian for a short while just to stay away from all the pressure, expectation and stop meeting and handling weird demands and complaints.

I just want a break. I want to stop whatever methodology and theories I am training my teachers and go somewhere else and totally put down the burden and responsibility.

Today God shows me that when He empower you as a leader you need to 'Practice Theology/Theory'.

Again, God speaks to me our life, my life is to walk with faith. He favours faith and He wants me to put no other things as important as Him.

I sitting in front of my laptop wondering how do non believers live. How do they survive in the lonely darkness and when fear, anxiety, anger, temptation come, how? These poor sheep have lost their way.

Again, God encourages me that my blog post yesterday is His teaching - Pride tears down characters, thus we cannot glorify God.

Pride will tear off your character

2011-01-23T02:23:00.002+08:00

Today I spoke to a parent using the word 'The lesson will push forward/ carry forward as the following week is a holiday..' He looked at me as though some kind of nerd speaking English.

He told me it should be 'push frontward' or 'reserve'. *Whatever it is*

I smiled to him with my face all turning red because I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

First of all, I don't agree with using word 'push forntward' or 'reserve'.

Most of all, it is the attitude that really trigger my frustration and anger.

Who are you? Even if you have a master or graduate from Oxford, with such attitude I don't have respect for you.

I keep reminding myself - Pride will tear my character to pieces leaving nothing to shine for Jesus.

Back to myself again. A one man show and two small pairs of hands yet powerful

2011-01-18T02:20:00.002+08:00

I am left with a thought of giving up.

In this year of 365 days, I want myself to learn to control my emotion. I need to stay calm and just let go when ridiculous things happen and funny people with over ridiculous request. I envy Boon Aun's jazzy life. When he plays his jazz music, it is as though we are in back to our safe zone and look at life pass by, play with it and reflect. It is as though we are in a cozy and proper restaurant to enjoy and drink a cup of good coffee. Thus, enjoy.

I have decided that I will help her until the end. It has been almost the end of Jan, I have another 11 months to go. I will maintain. I will fight. I pray God grant me favours and open doors like how He grants Nehemiah favour and opens doors for him under the King Artaxerxes. When the end comes, I will see how God leads me to new place and new hope and new challenge. In the end, it is not about me it is God I live for.

I need God more and more.

2011-01-16T22:25:00.004+08:00

Many things to do and there are many reflections that I don't feel like pen them down and don't even want to leave any mark on the net.

After about 6 years of living in KL, one major difference I realize is less thing can be done in KL within a day compare to Penang island.

I used to be able to follow mummy and get most of the things done. Everything can be done as soon as possible if what you need to do is before 8pm. Plus, the shop and places we go are good, reasonable and honest business people.

Living in KL, there must be the thoughts first. You will have a lot of things to do in your hand. You will have to make a time to make it happen. Secondly, the shop you prefer might be 30 or 45min away from your house. Or need to pass few tolls to reach there. Secondly, different area has different price for certain items.

Second different thing is Penang is traditional British style and simple minded. KL has so much to offer and it has a lot of variety. From smoothing to hot spicy.

In Penang, you can have a slightly above average income and have above average house and eat well, wear well and live well.

In KL, you can have good income but cannot guarantee you have good house. The tendency to spend on good clothes and phone is high. In Penang, rich people are really willing to spend on branded perfume, handbag, and phones. However, in KL phone is cheaper but KL people have to spend higher price for clothes for social demands.

I am in between. Sometimes I cannot breathe. Someone comes to the house and we all start chatting. I am weak in the head therefore the will to do something is weak. I forgot what I wanted to blog.

The most important is God. I only see hopes in Jesus. I see that only He can bring us to the things that we cannot imagine and only He will be your best best friend forever.

Popularity down turn

2010-12-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

It is painful to see some photos that trigger some sad memories.

I was there but I was not in their hearts. I felt left out. The pain and sourness that I have now shows how hurt the incident has done to me.

I feel the more I live the more I am alone. Does my other course mates or school mates or the friends I used to meet at tuition centre feel the same? I don't have much high school friends. The few, who were very closed to my heart, are either in the State pursuing their dreams or in Penang and left me forgotten in their mind.

Does my other friends feel the same? But I see that they are as though acting very happy and excited. When we dine together, they don't even mention a single bit of their problem. Everything seems to be very cool, very good and they are very wealthy.

Did I or do I smaller my circle of friends? I consciously do it or unconsciously do it? I rather do work and work hard rather than chat much with big group of people. I guess that is why I am not popular. I don't know how to socialise. Sigh =/

I only feel Jesus is my best friend. Well, God is still good to me at least when I sign into facebook, I have many post appear on the page. I have faithful darling writes on my wall.

I am not popular I am sure. I have few friends left on earth. My goosh. What should I do? Who can or how to help me? =,<

Make new friends and brew the friendship to be truthful friends

2010-11-30T00:36:00.003+08:00

I realise that I don't have friends. I don't have much friends at all. Emo-ed. Feel sad. But there is a tiny voice inside me telling me again and again, it is ok God is with you and Jesus is your friend. I feel very emo. Almost cried. Feel that I have forgotten. I don't blame anyone because I know that I am not a sociable type or party animal. My absent makes others don't keep me in mind. Fire will turn to flame and vanish.

I felt hurt. It is tough when he is not around to cheer, listen and accompany me. I can't wait for 4th Dec.

I put my heart and soul on work and love the children. I love them very much; at the same time, taking measured steps to keep a distance from them so that I won't be heart broken when they grow up one and leave my centre. Secondly, most importantly, when I put my heart and soul in it, every day is a walk of faith and every moment God is getting more real than ever before and God is getting closer to me like never before.

Looking back, I did not loose much but I gain better relationship with Jesus who is my true friend. I tell myself to let go and know tell myself - I loose old friends and some friends who forgotten me but I will make more new friends and good truthful friends.

When Boon Aun says, "Forget them la, you have us." My heart feels so warm. Warm-ie pengu family ;)

Thank you God for letting my mind and heart see it.

2010-10-20T00:27:00.005+08:00

It has been a long time since I last been here.

Everything seems like transitioning,
every day seems like only God and I walk together,
every day feels like enemies are near four sides of me,
every step gets me to fall and get up to learn more;
every breathe seems to be of valuable, and every words and thoughts have been important.

Every moment sounds like in trouble.
More like what?

I am numb by the confusion.
I am annoyed by the insecurity and fulling other people's demands most of the time.
I like the stretching.
I like the punching.
I like the limitation that makes creativity comes out the show the way.

Here I am God. Help me.

2010-09-23T23:39:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but he has mood swing.

I don't know what to say and don't want to go near him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right thing to do vs. selfish and mind your own business

What would you do?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tend to forget that I am the teacher and I am their teacher.

I will forget that I am in charge and when I remember I feel nervous.

I let the feeling surrounds me. Surrounding me.

The feeling runs over me and I push it back again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to take a shower, I feel that the heat is surrounding me.

His emo-ness makes me emo too.

How? I don't like. How? IT IS AFFECTING ME NOW.

I don't want to help.

2010-08-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

I am tired of solving other people's problems. I really respect and salute how Mother Teressa did it. How she pulls herself back in one piece when she has to help so many poor, sick, I believe that some people might have lied to her and treated her rudely.

I am tired that I was living in someone's else lie. My reality cannot connect back to the truth that has just revealed. The liar is selfish and did not even want to think of the consequences and how does it hurt the person who believes and wants to help.

I am tired of guessing games. The solution is do my best and it is God whom I need to give my accounts to.

Every day God is stretching me. Changes are molding me to b flexible and sharper than before to know how to take proactive steps.

However, I am sick of lies. I am sure that I am blessed with the gift of innocence. I am innocent, not naive, yet I was being told lies for half a year. I feel very disappointed, I tell God today that I forgive them but I cannot forget. But, it will be a reminder.

Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them. Proverbs 24:16

Be brave and strong! Don't be afraid of the nations on the other side of the Jordan. The Lord your God will always be at your side, and he will never abandon you. Deuter:31:6

These verses comfort me a lot. I cannot give help to others for this mean time. I really fall down in the midst of helping people. I saw myself angry and cannot forgive them then I saw myself standing in a sandy and muddy valley. There were many metal chains tide up loosely all around me. I could get out from there but I did not and start touching the chains and staring at them. I saw lights in front of me direct me to get out from that valley. So, I told God. I want to get out from the valley, free from the chains before they get tighten up and look upon Him, worship Him and focus on Him. At that moment, I feel the tightness on the heart has been released.

Now, my emotion and my mind are not yet fully recover from the shock and the pain. However, I know that my spirit has been touched my God's mighty presence and I am flying with Him.

Thank you Father in Heaven for the wonderful presence. Your words and your promise are real.

Voice

2010-08-23T22:45:00.003+08:00

This is the day of time where I feel that I am tired. The tiredness is caused by the dissatisfaction, the long waiting and the unsettled account.

I have always, always been waiting.

When ever will it be on time? Do you want me to speak it out like rain pours down and wet all of you? The unspoken language to know the limit and the need to be on time to settle some important things is just like the sun light shines on you and you feel the heat but the heat is unseen through our eyes.

I have breathless time when suddenly you come to tell me the change. A change that has nothing to do with being flexible or not. It is unreasonable change.

Is there a way for you to say my opinion? Is that my work is not good enough? I only expect on time and the protection you can offer.

Today, a parent asked me why I look tired. I just replied - work. She asked me whether I am happy or not.

My answer is I am grateful and happy than anyone else I know. The children I love are always surrounding me and I could help them with their needs and give them knowledge, love and care. This is the time when I feel the role of teacher is appreciated and needed.

When they call me teacher I just feel so sweet and joyful. My heart will just feel/responds one way- like sun shinning its potential energy - sun light - to warm every single person on earth and let earth starts working and living.

My body is as stubborn as me. I will not go to bed until I almost finish my whole body's energy. Stubborn, eh? But it is me.

Today, I made a decision to call hq. I voiced my opinion which regarding effectiveness and cost effective. The person just told me that 'business needs to take out money for investment.' SICK! I think I did make a point to her that it is about effectiveness and invest in nonsensical parking is not cost effective.

A side of me thinking- am I sound like stingy? But it is not her money she handle, it is our blood and sweat money - stress, work, determination and endless talk - to get a business deal. Moreover, the point is about cost effectives and convenience for every one who needs to attend the meeting. Do I sound stingy or a common sense business minded woman?

Go for it? Don't go for it? Go for it? Save the cash better...???

2010-08-16T02:09:00.002+08:00

Suddenly the need of having a new laptop arises 10 times than before.

The reason is I really cannot always depends on grace to use better and faster laptop from others. It just cannot last long.

However, looking at my bank account. It just does not allow me. Moreover, it will pull my dream to save around 10k in a year further. I have calculated before that it is impossible for me to save 10k a year after deduction of expenses. The most is 5 to 6k. Still, I wish to really save 5k!

To upgrade my existing laptop will cost even more.
1. Battery = 300
2. Processor + others = 800
Total = 1100

By topping up another 1200, I can buy a total brand new and even better Lenovo lappy.

I feel bad to always depend on grace to do my work faster. I feel embarrass as I should have my own laptop as it is my job.

What should I do? To buy or not to buy?

To buy means do work faster, independent, mobility and cool factor increases by 5 times BUT saving plan goes down into half only.

Not to buy means do work with this slow speed, not independent, not mobile friendly, cool factor is decreasing BUT saving plan will be near to reality.

Materialistic or need?

2010-08-13T01:37:00.004+08:00

I really wish to write these in my list but I don't want to because it will permanently in my diary.

So, I write in my blog. Coz I know I will change the list once I am satisfied or bored with the dream xD another word can be 'give up' or 'I have thought through about it and find it not worth it to have it.'

The grace and anointing God is what I need. However, there are somethings that I really wish I have:

1. My Lenovo mini lappy

2. Cell phone

3. NEW SPECS, yes new specs.

4. saving plan. Yes, saving plan. No kidding.

My solid IBM is still solid and strong. Never give me troubles and I truly thank God for that. The only problem is upgrading is way too costly and it is really laggy. It is not so convenient for me to bring it around compare to have a mini one. *Looking at the sky and sigh* Some friends I know think that laptop is just cheap nowadays. Ya, it is true. However, saving is my first priority. I totally could not afford one now even the need of a new laptop is appearing. But, you are a teacher. I know. Teachers don't earn that much unless we do 'out source delivery' or get a good lecturing position.

It is dropping apart! Yes, my phone. Cool factor drops 5 points out of 10! *sniff sniff* Sony functions is very user friendly but as my career is reaching another level. I feel strongly that the need of a new cell to help me do my work is reaching to my nose. But, I really could not afford yet. *Looking down feeling sad*

Just now, I suddenly realised that I need a new specs. The rubber on the nose part is dirty and SO DAMN HARD TO CLEAN! My Gosh! I still cannot change specs because I still can't find a reasonable shop with good workmanship like the one I used to go in Penang. The uncle is just awesome. Some might think that I am just bias but it is true!!! That uncle has his own shop and most of his specs are not 'China stocks'. It is also very reasonable and his workmanship is just BEST OF THE BEST! Even daddy's specs still last until today. It is more than 8 years di!

Last but not least, a saving plan. There is this saving plan that I always wanted to start but I still could not commit yet. My source of bread is not stable yet and I am a bit worry to commit in the plan as I really dono whether I can afford to commit or not. My head has a lot of 'what if'... aaaaaaa...

Feel that I am materialistic. Looking at the list I only see money, new technology and cool gadget. That are what I want and also what I need. I need grace and blessing from God but I do not know why a part of me deeply feel that I am lack of something to move forward in daily life when I do not have these things.

I already know the next thing to come in the list is a spacious apartment and our design.

And, my ultimate desire is to have lots of billions in the bank to have unlimited usage and each month have big amount of profit putting into the account. That is honestly my ultimate dream. Crazy, am I?

Cool like that, cool like that

2010-08-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Slap the tongue that speaks simply.

Close the ears that lightly listen to anything.

Open the eyes but did not see.

No head. No sense. No touch. No feel.

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

No choice so,

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Virtue, Faith and peace are hard to keep. They remain in you but it is often hard to do it.

saving navy

2010-07-16T09:05:00.001+08:00

When I heard the news, it was two months ago. Ever since then, every day I tell myself I must try to save. However, I will not be stingy but only will be wiser in spending.

Speedless. Felt down for some time. Thinking of why. On the other hand, I am the best person in the best position to understand the circumstances. Have been stop asking why. Knowing that God is in control and the programme will not be closed down and He who is almighty will prosper it.

Next month onwards, finance will be tighter. I do not want to count the percentage of going down but I want to continue to give thanks and cry out to God for shelter and blessing.

I have to hide the shopping list for phone, laptop and clothes. They shall not be 'viewed' at all. It is hard especially I am in need of a good and friendly user phone. In my opinion, in time like this buying another gadget definitely is luxury. I must not indulge in luxury.

Dillemma II

2010-07-15T02:40:00.004+08:00

Is it fair? It is not fair. I am watching a dance show on tv that tells me the winner is not the best and worst not great enough to be called the top 3.

Fake is the word. It was done so fast and without hesitation the winner would go to the top and then without any further evaluation they won. What is the system? No system? Where is the quality? Quality is in the head of the egoistic heart.

I feel that it is a disgrace to the nation. The people 'they' favour will be the chosen one whereby the most qualify one is left behind. It has been happening in the nation from politics to education to civil service and now to the dance show. I feel disgusted and annoyed. We are not civilised. Going down to the same par with military country.

Dillemma

2010-07-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

Looking at my phone and laptop, it says that I should change either one of them. My hand phone has not been user friendly anymore and it gives me ear pain whenever I answer phone calls. Also, it does not look cool anymore. Secondly, it is my laptop. It is solid, water proof and unique IBM. The company no longer produces this type- it is believed to be the best. Thank God for this laptop. However, it is really not fast enough for me to cope with my work and I no longer can carry it around like I used to. The battery is dead. It is totally not convenient and user friendly.

Longing for a good and user friendly phone yet must look cool. Longing for Ipad- the dream laptop I have been always wanted. It was as though a dream but when Ipad came out I have goosebumps because I always think that a cool laptop should be like that.

Dreams are always dreams. A cool phone can easily costs up to 2k or 3k. I would spend so much for phone for phone price drops easily and rapidly. The cool and good phone on the market is 1.3k to 1.5k and that is consider cheap. Honestly, I do not wish to invest so much on phone. I rather save half of the money and spend only about 700 or 800++ for a good phone. My insight tells me to save but my the other sight tells me that I really need to do something about it.

I want a laptop. Almost buy the Lenovo mini until I watch the ads of Ipad. My taste bugs tell me only go for Ipad as the rest of the computer in the market are out dated except for Apple, IBM and etc.

Open my wardrobe, I am once again suddenly conscious that I need to go for shopping. My body gives me trouble to find suitable clothes. Sometimes it is not about money or brand, it is all about my body and I reject many style simply because I do not like it and they do not look good on me.

These factors always make my day not bright anymore and confident level goes down. Do you feel the same sometimes? I feel it most of the time.

My blog has been a place for me to say this breath and this moment of feeling. I do not know how and why. I was advice that I just gotto to let it happens and go through it.

Why?

2010-07-09T01:31:00.006+08:00

Four things I fear most of the time:

1# Being treated with rule manner such as being yelled at and accusation.

2# Wait for answer and payment

3# Easily tired and fatigue

4# Running out of supply especially stationary

The last fear I can overcome it most of the time and God has never fail to provide me enough. However, the top three fears always visit me day in and day out. Sometimes they win, sometimes I win. Recently, I experience a lot of their visit in every corner of my life.

I ask God have I not been faithful. Did I ever owe God anything that I forgot to pay Him back? Why do I have to go through all these? Why and for what?

Others did not need to go through all of these and sometimes they even demand without feeling what is shameful and their moral values. Have I not done what I should do? Why I have to go through all these?

My teaching days

2010-07-09T00:34:00.003+08:00

I tell myself I got to blog.

1. Do not let normal young children go home schooling

Case 1:

A young tall six year old boy, wearing sporty shirt and most probably his favourite sports shoes. He smiles but his face is always pale and tired.

Entring the centre, holding his mother's hand tightly. He no longer talks so much but sits down on the sofa with his sister. Walking towards the classroom door that is just about 15 steps of walking from the sofa, the boy anxiously turns his head to look at his mother and non stop calling his mother. Almost-in tears.

Mummy has to say yes to go to the classroom with him. Sitting down and feeling even down. Looking at his test paper but his eyes keep rolling to peak whether the mummy is around or not.

Observation: This is not usual for six year old child especially being so dependent and anxious to enter a classroom.

Investigation: Home schooling. Totally a healthy boy. Learning from few very famous and good programme, local and international programme. BUT, it has been always in a small group, as small as not more than 5 children in a class. Literally study at home. No social life, no social skill, never been exposed to classroom atmosphere and classroom based- learning and that result in hardly learn social skill and has any opportunity to be trained to be independant.

Opinion and feelings: He is not my son. His future only God knows and if the parents never believe in any school or classroom his mind will be stimulated like any other person. Hence, he might not know or have survival skill, social skill, leadership skill,charisma, practicality, speed and accuracy in handling work. Growing up will be a hard process for him, adapting in the 'work out there' and work place will be... I have no words anymore.

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Case 2:

Born with heart problem. Slow almost more than a year compare to his peer. Family is always busy like any other family. Being train to do work with accuracy and speed. Made understood that learning is part of life and he has to study no matter how.

Emotional boy is him. Manja boy is also him.

Observation: Attend normal school. Do worksheets given with slower speed than any children - as his heart will make him feel tired easily and sometimes hard to breath. As time pass, he is stronger physically and mentally. Parents send him for swimming and excuses such as suddenly feel tired to skip school or skip any classes are hardly attended.

Result: Math, English, Bahasa Malaysia and social skill have improved a lot. Beyond expectation. From day 1, no totally and almost literate, til now master the basic of all the core subjects.

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Shopping trip: Do not believe and listen to what sales person says when you are the FIRST TIME talking to the person.

I went to the wholesaler of stationary. Thinking they would have at least cheaper deal from other book shops.

The sales person opens her mouth saying the three brands that are 'branded' stationary and they only specialise in suppling 'branded' stationary to big companies and small domestic companies. Out from the three, only one brand I would say is branded, the one every household would use but mummy sure complains when we asks her to restock for us - the Pilot.

I request specially for certain brands for pens, erasers and pencils. They have none of the brands I name.

The next thing from her is those brands are 'China products, not good one, no customers request one la, a lot of problems one and they are not the branded name.' I still smiling and politely state my disagreement 'Then, let me show you this, sure suits your price' follow her to walk to a big bunch of boxes and she takes out the pens to show me. MY GOSH! The brand I dislike the most.

I thank her and left.

Opinion and feelings: I grow up in bookshop at a Convent School and never fail to follow mummy to the main supplier for stationary to get stocks and never fail to try out all brands that mummy's company could offer.

Perhaps from my appearance, it does not show at all I have experience with a lot of stationary in the market but Please do not tell me that the brands I am looking for are not good. We love the brand as it makes us feel even want to write more, mark more books and after using the brand we do not want any brand anymore.

Moreover, when I find out the price from them. My jaw wants to drop. The price is almost tripple higher. We drive to local bookshop and get discount from the owner. Although it is not the brand I want, it is reasonable and I have tested the brand before it is good. The price is still almost double lower than the wholesaler. Customers OUT THERE watch out!

Tide. Faithfulness. Glorify and Exalt God

2010-06-15T00:33:00.002+08:00

Fri, 11 June.

Rushed to go back early so that I could go to hospital earlier to visit Boon Aun. The first time of so long working there, there was a car blocking my way. She just parked there and went down for shopping. WTC! Idi*T!

I sensed it. Finally strongly assured that it was attack. It is.

Sat, 12 June.

I left home at about 8.50am. My watch and the clock in the car said it is 8. 55 ... 8.59am.. when I was ready to drive it said 9.05am. All the time of the above were not true as I purposely tuned the clock run 6 mins faster for the car, 10 mins faster for the watch and 8 mins faster for the phone.

I headed and was already at MMR2 at around 9.05am (the real 9.05am). I told myself most probably will arrive at Desa Park at 9.25am. I was kind of relief.

After passing Batu Caves, the jam started. I could not believe it but it was real. The cars were lining up as though people were driving from JB to Singapore. DAM* LONG!

My 30 mins distance became 1 hour and 45mins driving. I could not do anything but pray that the mess that was going to happen in the office could be handled.

KM classes did not go well. Voices and opinions saying there might be closing down. End of the class. Deduction of my pay. It was a chaotic Sat. Appointments suddenly cancelled and parents complained of the KM teachers. The good part was I still sensed that the kind of God's peace was and is still in my heart and He had and has faithfully answer each and every prayer of mine for the centre.

I was very down. I work so hard but each time there is something there trying to squeeze the blessing out from my hands and snatching them away.

Praise God! God is always faithfully loving me. His blessing never stops.

Sun, 13 June.

The first time I woke up so early to go to church. Arrived at church at 9.08am. My body and my head were not listening to each other. I could feel that the body was in total sleeping mode.

30mins later, sermon started. Praise God for His words and His faithfulness! Hopelessness and crisis are the opportunity God pours down His blessing and hope.

Pastor started to preach. I wanted so badly to listen to what he wanted to preach. Suddenly, I felt it. I experienced severe fatigue and exhaustion. I could not focus at all and the body was turning into sleeping mode. My head was still conscious listening to pastor but the body could not.

I have never encounter such tiredness. My body slept through the whole sermon but believe it or not my head actually was clear and listened and managed to wake up to jot down notes.

Mon, 14 June

Early morning I was awaken with anxiety. I was worry that I would be caught up with unexpected jam. There was a group of students coming for morning session. However, my whole body experiencing aching again. I totally did not know what to do but lying down waiting energy to come back.

It didn't.

Nevermind. Stood up with both legs, thighs, feet souring aching, head and vision turned white. I walked to the bathroom.

Rushed to pick up Anne's margarine. Suddenly, I experienced gastric. Gosh! WTH!

Walked to the car as quick as I could. OMG! THE CAR WAS DEAD. TOTALLY SILENTLY DEAD. The battery was dead! Thank God for Kee Aun's dad for helping. Honestly, I totally did not know what to do but to call Uncle Edwin. Thank God for him.

At this moment, I felt that the prophesy was true. It was a tide. I felt it. Knew they are coming. Didn't expect it to be so fast.

Came home tired. Cancel Mark's class hopefully can visit Boon Aun and to prevent car dying at Auntie Jackie's place. Fall asleep after knowing the trip to visit him was cancelled.

Supposed to sleep to wake up very early tomorrow to work. I could not sleep again. Just could not. I hope by blogging and finishing my work I can sleep better.

I am down with sickness

2010-06-03T22:05:00.003+08:00

I am down with sickness and my heart was beaten up with sadness.

I ask God to show me why I work so hard.

I cannot effort to allow too much chaotic happens and I will clean up messiness.

I will give all my parents at least an answer.

I will not quit my responsibility even I am very sick or it has nothing to do with me.

Is it because I am a perfectionist or it is a good character?

I also don't know why when things go bad, I am as though the victim to be angry at and release tension. First from both of my parents then my parents then from the people I care and love.

I defend myself but the tension still keep coming.

What should I do?

Patient?

Care again?

Not to feel?

Sometimes, spend my time loving myself is better. At least I will have a good treatment for myself.

The Love that never fails.

2010-05-25T03:50:00.003+08:00

The screen appears '120'. My ears as though heard the bell ringing to congrat me for hitting the target!

I am very excited; at the same time, worried. Worry as good things never stay and sometimes it will be taken away. Hence, I just laid hand and prayed. I handed the number the hand of the Lord and I handed the changes and quality of my centre in the care of the Lord. As the wine the Lord transform was good wine.

For the past few months,

'WAAH! This month is just... just... odd (no words to describe)... Our number has started to increase.'

'Praise God. It is Him. He heard my prayers.'

'I wonder why this month there is so many people sign up?' I just smiled and replied 'It is God. Praise God. He heard my prayers. I pray every day for our centre.'

I want to honour God for what He bless us. I want to remember what God has done for me and to encourage my readers that in God anything is possible.

I pray that God continue to anoint and bless you. I pray that He shines upon any darkness and only the peace bright light will remain.

This is blog post is to praise God and to continue to be a living testimony.

Action is louder than words.

I want others to read this and know that God loves you and He is excited for your every moment of prayers- share our life with Him, even it is the most impossible one.

photo albums

2010-05-16T05:01:00.002+08:00

Looking at my old albums, realized that most of my album is about me. It is all about me and the trip I have been to. Well, it was not wrong but I feel kind of gross. I want a change.

I dono why I feel excited whenever I sign in my blog. Thanks for the skin, kee aun ;)

Strawberry, Wan Tan mee and Andrew

2010-05-11T00:30:00.002+08:00

Todaya box of strawberry and wan tan mee bringten my day.

I woke up at 7.30am and got out from my house at 8.45am sharp. It felt so good though very sleepy and tired. 'How does it feel? OOoooh, it feels good , oh it feels so good. All it feels x3 so good.' The motivation supercamp cheer came back to my head.

The whole day I was cheering with my students. I even sang them their favourite laughable song 'Fatty fatty bumm bumm, who is the naughty naughty buum bumm?' Then I will stand up or turn to see who is not doing their work. Well, you probably thinking that is suppose for... little kids? Yes, they are the most adorable, sincere and beautiful children. From the age of 4 until 6 years old. THEY LOVE IT WHEN I SING THAT SONG! xD

My students, who is 6 years old, Andrew. He saw me buying buns at the bakery near by my centre. He shouted and waved to so loud and so hard. He was sincerely happy and excited to see me buying buns at the same bakery. The crowd at the store was obviously looking at us. The whole world knows that I am a teacher now. Thanks, Andrew xD but the sweetest thing is the recognition he gave me and the sincere excitement to meet his teacher. This is like the best part of being a teacher!

I remember I have the same feeling when I meet my lecturer. The thingling and sour feeling under the belly and I suddenly feel nervous but I will be very excited to give him/her a greeting and acknowledgement.

Jesus says to enter the kingdom of God we must have a childlike heart. It is so much to learn from the heart of a child.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you - Mat 5:43-44

2010-04-19T02:24:00.003+08:00

When anger is still stirring in me, it leads me to another level of emotion and hatre will start to grow in me.

The anger has came to a point that if I do not deal with it, it is going to bring me to disaster to my life. It will chain me to forgiveness and hurt. I do not realise that at all, part of me keep telling myself it is part of life. Just let it pass then it will be fine. But it just never pass. Trust me. It just never. In fact, it stirs me up more than just an issue when problem comes.

My dear Lord Jesus said to me today,

You have heard that it was said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43-44).

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It rings like an alarm into my head. Soft, gentle but 'annoying' enough that wakes me up.

Yes, the enemy has its way to persecute me. In so many ways that words cannot explain and tongue is hard to explain.

I was so much into my own anger, caught up by my own anger, that I almost forgot about what Jesus said and taught about love. I also forgot that Jesus walked with me even when that moment, He knows what happened to me, happened and my feeling hurt.

Look upon Jesus of His love when anger is stirring deeper inside. I am still learning to forgive and love. May God helps me to pray for my enemy and continue to love.

I am loosing my head now.

2010-04-19T01:56:00.000+08:00

I tell myself I will never miss church again.

This morning I woke up with 'one kind' of feeling, my body was just not connected to my mind. I wanted to go to church so much but my body told me that she was too exhausted to get up for me to church.

The trouble doubled up I was told to drive to church myself.

My body continued to lay down to rest for awhile... Without realizing, I fell asleep.

I found myself woke up at 11.56am.

I felt regret the whole day after that. Regretted that I did not insist to go with them to church and I hated my body was so weak.

Smart Kids Exhibition

2010-04-16T02:52:00.001+08:00

Smart Kids exhibition at PWTC.

Consultation

I told myself many times that a blog without photos is just not colourful enough.

It feels one kind as I posted these photos as I don't like to talk about work and even post it up as though it is part of important events that worth to be reflected in my personal journal - my blog.

I post them in my blog as I feel that I want to share my life with most of my readers and friends who did not see me for a long time.

Believing in a programme and be the instructor to teach the syllabus are hardly my cup of tea. I would rather stick to the classic teaching methods. However, in Mr. Lim's class, the discussion of using a good programme and books to teach had been in my mind. The discussion and acknowledgment of Mr. Lim encourage and inspire me to be the instructor and franchisee of the programme.

It has been more 5 months ever since I use the syllabus, the books and worksheets to teach young children and advance learners. I find that it is a good programme and it has proven result to help to develop the learner's mind.

Most of the Franchisees instructors are not misusing the programme just to make money. Some minds tend to have such prespective. They are working very hard and in many ways they are trying to help many students and children to bring the best out of them and to train them to develop sharp mind.

Some educators do not have good impression about the private educator. Perhaps they think that we, as I am one of the private educators, just want money and hardly care for the progression of the students. It is a fallacy.

It is time to break the fallacy.

We are working hard and care very much for all our students. Each time when a child manage to solve a question, we cheer for them. When they are able to answer correctly and score well in school, we jump for joy with them.

I do not know how to conclude my journal. I tell myself I do not need a conclusion as though I am writing a formal essay because it is my journal I end it the way I feel I want to.

Last but not least, all I have now is simply because of Jesus and His favour upon me. It is Him and His grace.

Gen code reading

2010-04-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

My time pass very fast. It has been so fast that I feel it is not up to date to blog.

I give thanks to God for fruitful and meaningful time I have been through.

Parents go crazy when they don't know how to handle their children. And, some even claim that children are gift so you can't choose. They search for many ways, books, religious help and medical help. Now, parents are more civilised and educated, they go for Gen-code reading. The child just need to press his thumb and other fingers on a small machine, like the one we see when we go to register our Identity card, then the machine will analyse his inborn character. The programme will read his inborn character as well as his health condition. The agent will give you recommendation and suggestions on how to teach and control your child. A saying says 'Good things never come cheap'. It is indeed the course is expensive but many parents are very curious to know and they are will to spend that amount of money.

I ask myself would I do the same thing too to read my child's inborn character. My answer is 50, 50. I think back the old generation when they do not need any of this yet they can train good people who have common sense, manners and respect other people. How do they do that?

On the other hand, there are many broken relationships since the older generations as they do not know how to share common interest and they do not share the language of love. Hence, they do not have good relationships.

Would gen-code helps to improve relationships and parenting skills? It is really interesting to know. Will you update.

Psalm 3 Reformation

2010-04-01T14:19:00.000+08:00

Reformation is a change of mindset, mentality, paradigm and etc.

Reformation of spirit is removing dryness, deadness, renew faith and hope in God.

Pastor Ong Sek Leang

'The people will wander through the land, discouraged and hungry. In their hungry and their anger they will curse their king and their God. They may look up to the sky or start at the ground, but they will see nothing but trouble and darkness, terrifying darkness into which they are being driven.' Isaiah 8:21-22

This speaks about the nature of human. I, for one, will feel angry and frustrated and see nothing but trouble when things happen. I will even start cursing people.

Psalm 2 First time

2010-04-01T14:10:00.000+08:00

First time experience to count as reformation:

cleaning service

temporary house mate and maid

door lock spoils and hardly get into my own house

holding full responsibility in educating other people's children

giving out name card to be called 'Instructor'

to be praised as the child has improvement in studies

live without salary for almost quarter of the month

talk without feeling intimidated and ' pai seh'

Psalm 1

2010-03-22T03:07:00.000+08:00

There is no good or bad decision. Life is about a new thing after another new thing.

Comfortable secure is not secure at all.

Success is not equal to work. Success is letting God live through you.

Senior Pastor Ong Sek Leang

Fountain - where is it?

2010-03-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

Many exploration of myself and growing relationship with the people around me.

Time passes so fast that I could not have time to release my thoughts in my post.

This is the most dry season I have ever encountered. I did not know why and still do not know why.

I cried while driving as I miss those days walking closely with God.

Where is the problem? I am still searching but I know that God still loves me regardless how I feel.

I enjoy teaching and I like my job. I enjoy that every moment of my life is used for the good of my company and for my students. I am always busy with something which keep me alive.

I see conflicts in myself and complications. Where has simplicity gone to?

I wish I will not need to sleep or rest so that I will finish ALL my things in hand then take a big rest but I know that this just cannot be happening.

I am loosing my head now.

2010-02-28T23:53:00.000+08:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

--------------------------------------------------

I am loosing my cool when the words of man attack my mind again. Sigh. I want to get over it but the more I want to get over it the more I could not.

Sins of tongue

2010-02-26T13:21:00.000+08:00

The Overused tongue
Ecclesiastes 5:3 says that "a fool's voice is known by multitude of words." People think they appear smart by much talking, but the Bible states just the opposite. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, "Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few." God doesn't like a blabber mouth.

The Backbiter tougue

Proverbs 25:23 and Romans 1:30 make mention of a backbiting tongue. A backbiter is someone who uses their tongue against you when you aren't present, yet they will not face you with their charges when you are present. This is a cowardly backbiter who would rather stir up problems than solve problems.
A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT the preacher than talk TO the preacher. A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT some weak Christian in the church than offer some words of encouragement TO them. A backbiter is of no use to anyone, and no one has ever been strengthened or edified through backbiting. Beware of the backbiters, especially the ones who sow discord among brethren (Pro. 6:19)!

I was upset when his tongue backbite me. I was angry and hurt like any other human.

But, I tell myself I don't want to be anyone else other than myself. I am not bound to any form of his standard. There is a teaching from SuperCamp that says 'The rejector is actually the one being rejected'. Not only that, bible tells me that the tongue is the 'deadly posion' that kills us.

There is another saying 'the mouth is on his face, you can't control him from saying anything.'

I have decided to let God heals me and deal with it. He is the rejector and he will still get the rejection.

Being different

2010-02-16T12:46:00.000+08:00

So, what if I am different. Who are you to judge me?

Judging me shows that how lack of confidence you are and how low your self esteem is.

It has been a habit that your mouth blackmail and gossip about others. It has been a habit until the lies in your mouth blind you to make you think that you are doing great things.

I pray God has mercy on you to show you the right way to behave.

You need a life.

-------------------------------------Penang--------------------------------------------------
Everyone here needs a life to move on.

Tradition reflects your identity but it brings you to no further and no direction.

To hold it with you will drown you. Wake up and have a hobby or a life.

I weep when I know traditions tear you apart from God who loves you so much.

I pray God shakes the island to wake you up.

Stubborn. Proud. Stubborn and proud.

It is so rich. Full of heritage and language. But the monoply continues to monopollizes and the labourers continue to labour til the end of life.

I pray God shows mercy on you.

Mini Skirt scandals

2010-02-05T03:41:00.000+08:00

Watched the movie again. It left me thinking. I am still satisfied with the acting especially the coy face of the actress and her emotions in the movie. I just cannot express it and wonder how she could portray such emotion. She is a real professional actress.

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Today I wore a mini skirt to a school. I kind of forgot that we were heading to the school as my mind was thinking and feeling that today is my OFF DAY!

When I arrived in the school. All the memories about teaching practice came back and I felt that I was once again a secondary school teacher.

'Don't judge the book by its cover.' 'The Inner beauty is the ...' I heard them saying their chorus speaking from outside.

The next thing I get was a rejection from the school simply because I carelessly forgot that I needed to come to the school first before going to Ikea. Kee Aun, thank you for helping me and stand by my side.

I was speechless and bit pissed off. I came to help the students but there was not even a thank you. No payment at all. That hours we could have done so many other things but we want to help the students that is why we feel happy to go. *DAMN POTONG STEAM* =.=

But, I tell myself it is ok. They judged me by the book cover is just human nature. Some more, I was at their territory. I know what I am doing and who I am. It is ok though I had to stay and 'hide' for most of the time to avoid letting the teacher coming back again to tell me to leave the school.

Most of all, I still enjoyed the trip all the way to the school and the hours spent with the student to help them out with their Chorus Speaking. Finger crossed - NO REGRET!

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I am just a sinner who is by God's grace I am saved and loved dearly. I still make mistakes. I still can't get up early to be a discipline good role model. Sometimes, I sinned accidentally - told some white lies before too - don't ask me why and when.

It is by God's grace my life is still good to go. Thank you God for Your faithfulness.

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I am very excited tomorrow I am going to work. Thank God for all He gives because He provides.

regret

2010-02-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

I moved house today. I screwed up things I feel. It happened because of some mistakes and some miscommunication. I regretted deeply. No one could understand the regrets I feel. Sorrow knocking my head and heart. Anxiety hits me deeply.

I never experience such silly mistake. I am always aware of what is going on. It is not pride but don't know why I made silly mistake like this. I deeply regret and no words but sorry to the people I cause trouble.

I hope that bad things happen for good. I hope God bless this mistake to be a double opportunity for better things.

------------ I am real sorry for a silly mistake like this, I tell myself I will not do it again. ------------

Thank you God for the cross the mighty cross

2010-01-31T23:38:00.001+08:00

Thank you God for loving me and keep me awake. Thank you for the cross.

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Moving into new place. Very comfortable and the noise outside actually keep me feel more peaceful than my old place. The car moving makes me feel so alive and so safe. I just have to stand up and look out and I will see all my neighbour around me. I can't wait to experience my first night here.

MOST OF ALL, I GOT INTERNET CONNECTION HERE! YEAH!

I want to continue pray that God's presence fills this place and My 2010 resolution is bible reading and pray earnestly.

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Birthday surprise

2010-01-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

I was looking back some old album in facebook. Those photos I took with my ex housemates and coursemates. It seems to be time has made it so long ago but the memories in my head are still fresh and sweet. I was wondering how are all my friends now.

This morning, I received a call from Ms. Weng. I received a bouquet of flowers for my birthday this morning. It was as only happen in movies but it was real. Thanks to Juayn for your kind and sincere thoughts of me and the generous gift.

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I coughed the whole night and the whole morning. I experienced a long period of cough. I don't know why but pray hard that I will recover soon. I have SIX types of medication to finish >.<

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Waiting for you to come home.

I have no words to comfort you over what happened.

Life goes on. I am here for you.

Hero

2010-01-28T00:52:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my off day. Finally I have time to sit down to enjoy facebooking and blogging.

I still disagree with children using facebook and blogspots. My nephew as young as seven year old has facebook account - always active, msn chatroom and play online game for the whole afternoon right after finishing his homework. I still disagree. Their time should be filled with other activities such as reading, outdoor adventures, gardening, board games or even sleeping. Blogging and facebook are not bad but it is not healthy for children. They are not at the right state to use these network properly. I know it is easy to say hard to do but parents should really do something about it. Discipline and being strict are the key and consistent and integrity are the values to go with.

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My love one has come home finally. He came home with a tired face and defeated feet xD rot at the chair di.

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I want to acknowledge Kee Aun's father for being a hero of the week. He is more accurate than Google map, customized to cater to your need, more friendly than anyone I ever met and his network wave length is stronger than any P1 or Streamx.

Uncle Edwin found a real good deal of parking lots at wisma UOA. For those who need to go there for business meeting will know how does it feel when you pay the parking. The cold-blooded machine will show and announce the amount you have to pay and unwillingly you have to dig your pocket to pay. If your business meeting takes more than 5 or 6 hours, better bring more than RM20 with you or don't dream of getting out there.

Saviour is here! Unlce Edwin helps me to end my sorrow - He found a good deal of RM6 per entry. OOOOHH YEEEAAAAAH! Now, I can go there for meeting without have to worry about the parking. Can even to go 'kacau' the K*R*an xD

Thank you, Uncle! You are the world class GPSR.

Thank you Lord

2010-01-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

As the number of student is increasing, I kind of worry that I cannot maintain the standard. The moment I know there is new student signs up, the echo of *Ka-ching kaching* (especially the voice of Ryan - dude, I miss you! xD) will come to my ears and my head.

But what I worry is I cannot manage the parents and still could not teach the students well. This is another challenge for me.

A new part time- full time teacher is coming. I hope this is a person God sends.

change one change three

2010-01-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

It is like another class in campus. The room is exactly like UM tutorial room even the chairs and the white board, worst than the tutorial room in Edu fac. I tell myself it is really a bored room, is meant to make someone bored xD

The tutor blah blah blah at the front. I learnt something new today. I praise God. I ask God for forgiveness as I cannot stop yawning and feeling bored when I was in the room.

Change one change three.

Waited there for an appointment that suddenly cancelled. Timetable went hire wired.

Worked in subway and suddenly Excel went crazy. Most of the data was gone.

It was a bad start but God turned it to be a blessed day. I thank God for that and pray that He will continue to provide. Amen.

eh eh eh, THURSDAY is coming! xD

So, what?

2010-01-10T23:44:00.000+08:00

There are so many things in my list but I only have seven days a week and 24 hours a day. Every day is just not enough and I make the most out of it.

I want my phone back or sell it off.

Monday is class + packing + change all the changes online.

Tuesday and Wednesday is FUT. Training whole day and look at the people I don't like to meet.

Thursday is bus ticket day.

Friday and Saturday is full class day.

Sunday is worship day and family day.

I must go on oats diet.

Inspiration comes in flick seconds

2010-01-04T12:56:00.000+08:00

Everyone is a historian to create the yet to come.

Do not give the opportunity to others to take over to make the history, we create.

Excited!

2010-01-03T04:16:00.000+08:00

This is my new skin for my blog. I am super excited and motivated to write blog.

Thank you kee aun for the hours our fingers clicking.

Oh Yeah!!! Colar bear ears :P

Live above the line, poayling

2009-12-22T00:15:00.000+08:00

I have no pictures for my first camp. No good memories for me. I avoided any cameras in the room. I was left behind. That was how I felt but I told myself. No one will make room for me unless myself.

As I reflect, I found that every time I got into something, I was thrown into a position where it needed me to straight away swim in the deep blue sea and still rock on. It is indeed kind of hard but I don't know why I am always in this kind of position.

I almost quite. Still having some kind of quitting attitude in me. I feel that my blog is boring because not many updates and pictures or interesting insight. I kind of lost my creativity to look for the next answer.

I need to live above the line. That is the echo in my mind and ears. I want to quite facebook n blog but I tell myself - live above the line.

I guess when I read back I will surprise myself again.

Merry Curriculum and motivating syllabus

2009-12-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

In the midst of working, I think that I kind of like my new job. I want to work more and more for my new centre. I will be fully in charge of my centre in another 3 months. I pray hard that I can make decision and take all the responsibilities given.

I love teaching the children. They are so so adorable. Every session with them is just not enough. Each week I see them, they are growing more intelligent and adorable.

Looking at the syllabus, I have a good guidance and materials to teach children now. I love it! I like the programme and the books. It is something I have been looking for education. I believe in what I am doing but there is still some holding back. I still don't want to count the eggs before they hatch.

He will be back tomorrow. It was so difficult to count the days til he is back.

Suddenly I see

2009-11-29T16:49:00.000+08:00

This is the first day I start to really analyse how to plot and plan worksheets for students. Kind of nervous actually. Honestly, I kind of worried. After watching and dancing with Lady Gaga's song. I felt that as if God's spirit and boldness had left me. It felt bad. It was as if I depend on myself now.

It is as if I am so lonely and left alone.

I suddenly feel weird. Why this kind of fear enter my spirit. I guess the key is not about her or her song. The key is regardless how I feel the promise of God will not leave me and when I pray in His name Jesus was here and is still here for me.

I miss 'him'. I hope he is home very very soon.

So, there was this stranger bumped into me and...

2009-11-29T00:53:00.001+08:00

Today was indeed a day that I live by faith and God is so real and good. He led me through another day with blessing and his strong mighty presence. I love Jesus more and more. Believe in Him like never before every day. He is great almighty. Others have the same problems, maybe get the same blessing like I do but I sing and jump in joy because I know who is my Creator who protects me and hold my hands to walk with Him and I have His mighty protection all over me.

So, there was this stranger bumped into me. MPH book sales is at desa Park City! Exciting xD

So after work and dinner, I walked there to check out some good stuff. The whole irresistible books of Frank McCourt are selling hot there! With 20% off - Yes, even the 'Teacher Man'. It was out of stock for some time last year. The Time Traveller's Wife and the whole collection of Amy Tan's books are selling at a good price. I was so excited and I secretly wished Soon Chen, Janice and Kee Aun were there. I hold the books - Teacher Man and The Time Traveller's Wife - for more than 30 min and the mind was counting how much left in my pocket and bank to survive for another few more months. I had to put them back and looked around in case any big fans of these books suddenly come and grab them all.

Suddenly, there was this stranger, in black polo neck shirt, bumped into me from behind. The sudden shoulder rub made me nearly fall down. He got a shock and was so worried that I would fall - he hold my waist gently - Yes, as in the movie or the Bollywood movie - the hero hold the heroin's waist to save her from falling down xD That stranger was actually quite good looking - Pan Asia or Chindian kind of look - Tall and bit hairy - like George xD, he was very shy that he did not dare to look at me. His face was looking down all the time. I felt kind of shy too especially when he hold my waist xD

I put the books back and he quickly walked to other sides to look for other books. Maybe he was the big fan of Frank McCourt and Time Travellers wife and he got excited to find the books were right in front of him

Thinking back, it was kind of funny and sweet.

I wish 'he' was there. The fourth day 'he' is in Singapore. Miss his smell, his voice and his crazy singing. Miss to see him wearing his 'pants' at home xD It is like something missing without him at home to disturb and to be disturbed.

Every day is another sweet day with Jesus. Have Faith is the way and only we can put down our pride and be humble. God loves the humble.

:)

First Day

2009-11-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

The first day he is away.

I start to miss him the moment I get out from my house. The warm sun light reminds that I still have to work.

I walk to house and miss his greeting and his charming voice. I preserve and hide my impatience in my pocket to wait for the last day to come then I will be hugging him and go shopping with him.

I can't believe that I have been driving myself to work for the third times.
Every day when I arrive at work, I praise God and I know that it is by God's grace I am placed there.

This is my new workplace. I pray that God bless me and my workplace.

2009-11-23T23:07:00.000+08:00

My little Kancil and I made a lot of adventure together. We drove to many places and came back safely. I went to PJ, Mid Valley, work place and home safely.

Tomorrow is my first time driving to work alone. I pray that it will be a safe trip.

2009-11-17T19:41:00.000+08:00

my ultimate goal is earn lots and lots and lots of money to pay my PTPTN loan, Educational loan n car loan, send home, rent, food, future...

Hebrews 13
Do not love money and be contented with what you have. The Lord will never leave you or forsake you. The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man will do unto me.

The Saviour is here!

2009-11-10T20:54:00.000+08:00

There is a hope for scoliosis. A new discover believed that it is able to help scoliosis patients from the age of eight until seventy.

I am really excited and can't wait but to go to the clinic to start doing the treatment. However, I am not sure how much does it cost. The machines is longer and taller than my Kancil and to go on that machine the patient has to wear a full armour of the suits.

Is there any alternative treatment?

'Hao Ma bu chi hui tao cao'

2009-11-09T20:16:00.000+08:00

Today, I feel like blogging in Mandarin. Though I never enjoy my schooling life in Chinese School, there is always something I respect about the system. I respect Chinese school that they discipline the students in the way that they will learn to at least respect people. Secondly, it is the idioms and proverbs we learn. Other than biblical truth, I find that there is central truth in Chinese idioms and proverbs. They are often short yet deep in meaning.

'Hao Ma bu chi hui tao cao'

First car!

2009-10-29T19:24:00.001+08:00

I can't wait for my car to come. I can't wait to practice driving and drive myself to work.

I am very exciteeeed!

Thinking back, I am very grateful I teach in my School. The harsh and stressful working condition train me for greater things to come. My limited pay allows me to spend wisely and learn to value my profession even more.

My passion and love for children have never stopped and I still love my students.

One thing I like about my school is the system. It has a set of system to run the school and to reduce many paper work teachers and principals have to do. This is the system that really works and still improving to be better. The next thing I like about the school is the environment the founder of the school creates for the children since the beginning. Moreover, it has a very holistic programme to develop children's soft skill, character as well as academic. The enrichment programmes the School offer can't be found in any other schools.

However, there are more rooms for improvement and the School should practice flexibility. The School needs to improve the well fare of the employees and improve the learning activities in class.

I still pray that God bless the School as the School is blessing some other people too.

My first car

2009-10-27T14:39:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Thank you for I get my first small car. The engine of the car is still well maintained and the car is clean and the colour is still beautiful.

God, where is the direction You promised to show me? There are so many doors opened and my impatient heart sometimes want to jump higher and faster. Please keep me waiting with a peaceful and faithful heart.

God, after many trials and tribulations, I thank you for love. This is because of the trails and tribulations I see your love and your work in my life. And each time you appear stronger and so real in my life. I cannot deny your present and your name in life. I just cannot.

I love you, God. Show me the way like how you promise.

2009-10-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

What I can say is I will bless her. I have decided in my heart to let go. Enough is enough. She was very very very childish.

By God's grace, I live my every day. How I will bless her? My heart will stop angry at her, the issue is considered 'yesterday', and I will let go.

Her words are abusive and attacking me in any way she can. Her old mind and childish manners are meant to make me feel bad and let her has the power to talk.

The Chinese saying 'Qing zhe zhi qing'. I don't talk or tell 'the world' like her because it will make me look a fool.

David falls and Job suffers the most until he gets blessing and promotion by God. The tests and tribulations they been through are not anyone can go through.

I pray that tomorrow I will still have the same peace of mind. My days are near to leave.

leaving for good

2009-10-20T20:25:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

It hurts to know the difference.

Am I worth so little?

I am doing a job more than I am paid for. The demands are always more than the supply.

The treatment from my department and among my colleagues is not something anybody can accept.

I take a deep breathe to swallow many humble pies and orders. My stomach pains.

I kept thinking what went wrong. Did I say something wrong during the interview? during the meeting? with parents? with who else?

I kept telling myself it is fine, the amount does not determine my ability and skills, I kept telling myself promotion comes from the Lord and try to ignore what had happened. I preserve for a long time, taking it with patience and love.

Every morning I still hard that You bless the School.

However, there is a little voice in my heart, unsettled, asking, am I really worth that much only? By grace I am here not by work but is it whatever I had done can't even please You a little?

God, what do you want to comment about my blog? You commented so much to your servants and each and every servants you let them go through suffering for good. Am I going through your special plan now?

I cannot understand why the School gives me many sweet tongues, sweet promises and sweet talk. Perhaps I was naive to believe.

God, I still do. With love and patience.

God, I tell myself I do it for You. Am I not pleasing you again?

I felt hurt and lost. I know very well what to do - still do my best.

Pastor preached with love - do not give in to disappointment to meet the divine destiny.

God, I do not know how. Did you forget me?

My friends who read my blog might be laughing at me for they say this is the trouble I put myself into and I ask for it.

I have nothing to say much, God. Am I forgotten?

I cannot pretend nothing happen.

Thank you that by your grace I rent my house.

SICK AND TIRED

2009-10-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

I am very sick and tired. I SLEPT FOR ONLY 2 HOURS A DAY FROM MONDAY TO FRIDAY. My whole body is aching, my spines and nerves are hurting like crazy. I see myself as if fatter.

Shut your mouth if you can't even strike for excellence and you never are.
Stop condemning others when you are the BLOODY WOMAN who created the gossip. STOP GIVING ANY COMMENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TEACHING AND SHUT THE BLOODY SYSTEM IF IT DID NOT WORK!

I feel like slapping the children who think that they are princesses. They deserve slapping and spanking until they realise their bloody stupid mistakes.

God is GREAT and MERCIFUL. The truth has revealed! I hope God bless them and strike the pathetic school from giving blatant lie!

Stay connected

2009-10-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

I am really so that that busy but I have the mood to pen down some words.

I want to tell the students who are still faithfully reading my blogs that I hope you all get the best results for SPM and PMR.

I want and must be watchful. The enemy is at the gate.

Nothing is stronger that letting it go and move on.
The three keys from Sunday sermon, disappointment to divine appointment:
1. the foundation must be on the Lord who is the same yesterday and today.
2. Let it go.
3. Move on
Romans 8:24 "All things happened for good for those who loves God"

Still wish to have a good car and teaching children.

2009-10-06T18:58:00.000+08:00

I want and need a car.

Feel very tired of some people. Just can't forgive them yet and can't get rid of the dirt they put on me.

I need the freedom. I need to breathe.

The Road Not Taken

2009-09-13T04:16:00.000+08:00

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

I have made a choice that has less chosen. I longed for something to relieve my tedium everyday life. My journey has become tedious.

I love the first stanza as the persona and I are deep thinker who think and look further so that we will make a right choice. The first stanza portrays the battling minds and the endurance of the persona and I. We can be patient with the endurance at the same time battling with the minds to find solutions. Apart from that, we both stress ourselves enough to have such a wave of emotion to feel the every suffering of making a decision that will affect our entire future. As a result of the suffering, he writes an influential, realistic yet charming master piece. And I get a strike by his poem for my entire life. I believe if Robert Frost is still alive, he and I will become good friends who share the same kind of stress, suffering and great deep thoughts.

Our stress that pushes our every sense of the body to suffer is sharpening our every common sense and humanity.

I have in loved with this poem so much that I find none other poems is as attractive as this one.

The third stanza, oh I like it! I truly doubt whether I will turn back or go back to the side I have not taken to travel far. I truly doubted and doubting about it. I see that when a road is chosen, I will walk it out. There hardly will be any turning back for time. I feel the freshness of more green pasture in front. I will walk it out in the end. And time will age me and no doors to go back. Yet, it is not something so despair and desperate. One road leads to another, there is always better roads for me and blessing is waiting for me.

The last stanza reflects my voice of the tedium everyday life and the secret thought of choosing a better direction. I sigh to write my blog. I sigh. Yet, I am glad that I have made a decision and taken the less chosen, tedious and taxing side. I smell the freshness and feel the breezing cooling air brushing through my face as I walk in the new gate. Bright sunshine warms my feet and still water is next to me.

2009-09-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

I have no balls.

I guess leaving is the best solution.

Dono

2009-09-12T16:52:00.000+08:00

Can anyone tell me what should I choose? I really have no idea.

Teaching in my school is as if war every day. If I manage to fight it, I feel successful. If I fail to do it, I will be on a guilt trip and fear of being questioned and terminated.

Can anyone tell me what should I do? Is that how does it feel to be a teacher?

God is so silently protecting me. When will your hands show me where should I go?

Hanging there but believe that it is time to move on

2009-09-07T17:06:00.000+08:00

I could not solve my transportation problem and I found that it was no use to condemn myself anymore for not being able to support a car and drive myself to work.

More money and more responsiblity are the keys to own a car. I am somehow lack of one of them. I see through that money does not mean everything. So what if I have enough cash to support myself a car, I still need to have higher income to maintain my car. That already means a solite quater of my pay will be gone.

I do not consider myself poor as my life is so much better than before. I am enjoying every breath of my life and my living condition now. I am very thankful and always give thanks that I am blessed with sufficient income to support my own apartment and any other forms of expenses. At the same time, I am so blessed to stay with the Tans' family whose love and care are always overflowing to anoint me. They are the second family.

I give thanks and still faithful to God. I give thanks for every disaster I encountered which allow to improve better. I give thanks for every sleeping late days as I learnt to work so much faster than I expected and more consistent than I thought I could. I give thanks for times when I did not have enough to even buy myself a pants to work as I learnt to fully used what I had to turn them into something useful. I give thanks for dry season as we both see through our strength and anointing come from God only.

Bingo bingo bingo oh bangga x3! Bingo bingo bingo oh bangga! It is time to push through and see how things go.

Grammar Geek

2009-09-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

I find that the best place to RE-learn my grammar is to teach in primary school. I learn with the children, check dictionary almost every day - it is VERY frustrating but you learn as the days passed, and read up some books to check grammar.

I hated and hated this process as it always slows down my work but I realised that my grammar has improved. I actually feel satisfied after all the 'mountain climbing' and 'break to the most basic piece to relearn'.

I somehow feel to go on more but perhaps situations and circumstances do not allow me to do so.

A series of unfortunate events

2009-09-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

The first encounterment:
1. Monday night - sleeping disorder - didn't sleep well at all.

Second encounterment:
2. Tuesday night and midnight - felt very cold, sneezed non stop and face was swollen. Plus, came home with tans of workload, worst than an Indonesian maid but easier than surgical operation.
Have to 'clorox' the school cloth for I am the teacher.

Third, fourth and countinue counting...
3. Wednesday morning - the flu turned very bad. Non stop sneezing and non stop feeling headache til I hardly could think so I took off on that day. Apart from that, I felt super cold at mid night and I woke up with stronger headache.

Countinue counting...
4. Thursday morning - the flu was not getting any better; in fact, the headache is getting stronger, the pain is spreading to the shoulder, top of the head and my pelvis,and my whole body was aching. I went to the government clinic again for the doctor told me go back to her if I were not well again. I followed her instructions. However, today different doctor consulted me. He refused to give me any M.C. The worst thing was he didn't even really check what kind of flu I have but just a very brief check up. He gave me stronger flu medication - meaning will be even more drownzy - and panadol, which is the medication will trigger my allergy. I was very upset. I get a nagging from the doctor for no reason and got all the medication which were the same like yesterday.
In the end, I went to a private clinic, which is known as quite reasonable doctor. The doctor gave me a detailed check up and identify it as a type of virus - not the H1N1- apparently the virus is attacking my whole body. I might look fine on the outside but actually the body inside is fighting with the virus. He advised me to rest one more day at home. Also, it is better to stay away from the children in my school just in case I spread to them.
Now, I am at home. Taken the medication. My work as a teacher is still on going. I still need to mark tans of books and worksheet. There is a question in my head - It is because I am weak or it is because of the burden and work load that I have been carrying it for four months.
I pray hard God gives me an answer for the next road to take.
Is it the grass at the other side is greener?

Greener grass

2009-08-26T21:38:00.000+08:00

Is it the grass at the opposite is greener? I don't dare. No so called 'Testeron'.

I don't have a car.

I am angry at myself.

How are you?

Have I been forgotten?

2009-08-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

It is holiday!!!

Holiday holiday holiday!

A week of new and extra sleeping hour.

Soldiers

2009-08-20T21:39:00.000+08:00

It has been three and half months, near to four months, the military training has made me an army soldier to train a troupe soldiers.

My team mates and other fighters are putting in their best.

Some went down already.

I don't know

2009-08-09T00:07:00.000+08:00

I am sick and tired.

Can't apply Godliness in life?

Unfair! Bias! Favouritism!

I am angry and very upset!

I don't want to be surrounded by these kind of people.

I will stay at home the whole day on Sunday.

2009-08-08T16:47:00.000+08:00

My school life in my school. From assistant to class teacher within one and a half month. From marking books assistant to future vision planner. From just a new assistant, I am now one of the very important class and English teachers in the school.

Teaching primary is not as easy as some of my friends think. It requires you to be professional, patient, responsible, care about the main thing and also the details of ALL the things about your students and your profession.

A part from that, teaching is a profession and it is never an easy job.

My first field trip was to Mid Valley - the science exhibition.
My second field trip was jungle tracking at Ulu Langat, Cheras.

Ms. Thava (in black shirt) she is my helper for my class. She is a very helpful and understanding colleague. Grad from U tar PJ ;)

We entered the jungle and played water in the river :P *Sorry, our shoes actually dirty the water i think.. haha*

This is the main office downstairs of my school. We were so busy calling the parents that we have to pull the phone to other side to talk. xD

IF
If I go now, I will miss the children.
If I let go now, they will need to adapt to new changes again.
If I stop now, I can't see how far I can go.
I know I need a break and a rest.
There is always greener at the other side of the field.

Graduation

2009-08-04T21:56:00.000+08:00

I took my robe. Walked around campus for almost the real last time. I walked around KPS, spent for my lunch and sneaks. Did it with purpose.

I walked to KPS Auditorium. Switcfoot's song stucked in my mind. 'Fragments' came to mind. We were given a chance to speak and direct too. I give thanks to God.

I walked to the V.C. block, looked at the V.C.'s photos for the last time. Standing at the audi door gave me more flash back than anything.

Next was Pekan Buku, shopped for stationary. Memories of my first week in UM came to my mind. Janice and I went there to look for good stationary for first day of class but we were so disappointed because of bad service and old goods. Anything with UM logo always looked so stupid but today I bought a very nice UM organizer. The stationary shop has ungraded themselves by being more organized, clean, tidy, and more good products.

I suddenly felt that my days had been yesterday.

I spent the whole afternoon reading in Pekan Buku. Trust me, they have more new good books compared to last time. It is cleaner now. I read and read the whole afternoon. Feeling so hungry for more knowledge.

I miss the time I go to class. I felt that I needed to study more. It is not based on impulse but it is a need calling me to go for further studies. It is not now. Commitment pulls me aside. I just felt the urge to study again. I must not loose the inspiration and motivation.

I see that I must ahead. My time is not out yet. It has just started ticking.

Motor Cross

2009-07-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since we had a good walk. We went to Imbi and walked to Pavillion.

Along the way, I saw a crowd of Chinese, who styled themselves like Taiwanese, spoke the Japanese Kawaii language. Then, in front of me, there was another big group of people, mostly Pakistanese and UAE friends. They spoke their language and they were so comfortable here and enjoyed themselves. Their casual talk and laughter made me almost forget that I were the local actually.

I lined up in front JCo, waiting for my turn. My front and my back were mostly westerners and UAE friends. I felt that I were the foreigner among them xD

I felt kind of insecure whenever I went there. The place has been improving and changing rapidly. I can't catch hold my breath to accept it. New style comes up and people forget about the old style and old stories. Every week or even every day new people, new crowd and new faces will go to the place for holiday and shopping. I don't like the feeling of being forgotten and unfarmilize. Each visit there as if another new danger discovery.

Anyway, I am back home safely. Praise God. He came back with me smilling happily :P

Tomorrow is another Motor Cross. Tuesday is Motor Cross Level 2. I must do it and I pray hard and real hard (I mean really hard) that God makes this cross another Moses crosses Red Sea.

Thank you Jesus.

2009-07-19T18:08:00.000+08:00

Just when I posted this latest post, I saw this advertisement on the right side of the screen.

"You feel that you can't make it? You are not talented? You just want to give up. GIVE UP, give up, Give Up. Take their advice and go join 'The way to Happiness Foundation"

I clicked to the site, knowing that the way to happiness is no where else but Jesus, still I clicked the site.

The site showed so many ways to live life in another aspect.

I smiled.

I have been through life like this. Some of the teachings are universal truth. They are all in the bible. I hate this feeling coz the site reminded me again. I followed all the ways the philosopher taught or whoever taught. But, in the end of the day, I still cried and struggled in darkness. The teaching can't even reach an inch closer to the problem of the heart and soul. It just feel so empty. Still feel damn unfair about life.

paused typing.

I looked up in the air. My heart feels so warm now. Tears come out. It is Jesus who saved me. Not because I am a better person, but simply because He loves me. My heart and soul have an answer now and forever. That is Jesus.
I still have disappointment in life. I still struggle, look at my work, my monkeys and suckers in school, but I have Jesus forever.

That's how I see

2009-07-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

Is that mean I have to leave if I have lost my passion? Is is better for me to go if I find that I have no more desire for my job?

These are the questions pushed to me by someone dedicated at work.

I am half worn out, no life, tired and already come to the level of 'motor-cross'. I have joy and fun. At the same time, I do stress out til I can't take it anymore.

My colleagues who work more than 2 years have the following attitude:

Type I: 'don't care so much anymore'.
Every day just marking, marking, checking corrections, teaching and teaching, scolding and scolding, giving and giving remedial classes until 4.45pm or even 5pm.
They are nice people, always able to understand your situation, always try to help out but always tell me the worst things that are coming as they have been through all that in the 3 years of experience.
They don't feel happy or excited. 'Don't ask me whether I feel my life is meaningful or not. I am numbed di.'

Type II: 'Just do your best. This is life.'
Every day just marking, marking, checking corrections, teaching and teaching, scolding and scolding, giving and giving remedial classes until 4.45pm or even 5pm.
Helpful , friendly and loving people who can give you some motivation once in a while.
They love teaching and feel that it is worth it.

Type III: They think that they know everything and always right about everything and their words can determine your hard work to go to waste.
Every day just marking, checking corrections, teaching, scolding, go back on time, boss you to do things at the very last minute when the fact is you really don't think that you can complete your work. It is not because you are lazy, don't want to push yourself to try or stubborn, but it is simply so difficult for newbies. Plus, they won't even tell you how to start or where to get the things when they should be the one to tell you.
Push deadline to you, show the stuck up face. AAAARRRGGGG
Gossip is their favourite pass time, acting to be very professional when Boss is around, online shopping and chatting and surfing the net all the time, non stop and totally not because of teaching or just to relax for awhile.

What am I talking about now... sigh... I don't know... I am worn out...

Lord, I need motivation and anointing. I need a break. I am not being lazy. I really really need a break. Please take care of the monkeys and suckers in school. I really have no more strength to teach when I am totally worn out.

Today, pastor came to talk to me. She still remembered about the difficulities I told her about my work. She wanted to talk more and introduce me to other school. She thought that such stress just will harm anyone's body and mind. I TOTALLY agree.

Today, in church, I told God I forgive those who accused me for nothing, talked bad about me when they are the cause of the problems and those who jealous about me.

I will do my best. I hand my imperfection into His hands - Proverbs 20
I am suck in Grammar. I KNOW IT LONG TIME AGO. I GO AGAINST THE TIGHTS coz I don't want to give up easily. Yet, I struggled til I cried most of the time to mark essays, 50 over essays in a morning.

I keep myself in prayer. I still give thanks though I talked so much just now about people at work. This is because I know that there are 10 times worst school than mine. There are worst work load than mine. Perhaps I am newbie or I am just simply a weak person.

I need coffee.

If I were the boss...

2009-07-10T21:23:00.000+08:00

Each teacher deserves a better office.

A wide, flat and white table, personal laptop or computer, enough bookshelf and the staff room should look motivating.

http://www.clicarq.com/oficinas-konstruplus/

Love. BOLD

2009-07-05T19:05:00.000+08:00

I need love.

I slept and slept for the past two days. I went for check up to ensure that I was not affected by any unwanted virus.

I felt very lonely recently. I never want to throw any emotion to you. But, sometimes I just cannot help it. I do not know what is lack in me. I do not know. I feel that I need to be loved not left out. I need to feel that there is always someone who supports me at work and also at home.

My hormones run up and down recently. As a result, I need to feel more than I used to. I just need to feel it. I need it so badly. Feel loved, feel companies and feel cared.

I give my best to my students and my family. Do you know? Do you feel it? What is lack there? Who can love me too? God... are you there? Do you know all the bitterness and fear I face every day and week? SOS SOS SOS

******
I can't stand it anymore. I let it out. I cried. Standing outside the house. Felt lonely and left out. I didn't blame anyone. It is the life I am living now.

I cried. Didn't care whether neighbours heard it or not.

Is it because I have never grow up? I am childish? I am coward?

I sent out sms to ask for help, support and prayers. Those that I count on really replied me. The one phone call and one message have spoken so much, so much to my heart.

I continued to cook my maggie mee. SH*T ~~~!!! I forgot how to turn on gas! Which button was supposed for which one! So much of lesson plans and so much of talking and teaching but I forgot HOW TO TURN ON GAS!

I tried. Failed! Heard frizzly sound but didn't know where it came from.

I gave up.

Looking at the maggie mee packet that I have opened. Looking at the hot water I have poured into the bowl to 'soak' my mee.

Everything turned silent for a moment.

Suddenly, I prayed out loud. 'God, you must help me. It is my attitude. I need to be BOLD.' I went to turn on the first button and tried to put the fire gun near to the stove. 'Just try la, so scared of dying, TRY!'

The fire is lighten up! I put on a smile. I cooked my noodles. Fed myself. I think they are having good time there too. They need it.

It is my attitude other than some unreasonable factors happened in my life that make my life tough. I guess It is me who is timid always. I must be BOLD. Think, plan and DO IT! Don't hold back and think and think again and again. That will not get things done; thus, stress and more stress come. Coz I can't complete all the tasks.

******

I need you to love me. Gals n Guys friends. I need your support, care and hear your voice. Don't leave me behind.

Flyer Coaster now

2009-06-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am riding Roller Coaster and Flyer Coaster alone with Jesus.

Psalm 121: I lift up my eyes and my help comes from the Lord.

Yammie

2009-06-12T20:13:00.001+08:00

I am amazed by these packing. It is so nice that I dyingly want to buy the products. xD

Go to the link, more to see. http://lovelypackage.com/archer-farms/

Yeah!

2009-06-12T18:46:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I will be the class teacher and English teacher of two important classes. It is good! I sat down and thought for awhile. I get a promotion! Praise GOD!

*********

Check out this site, http://www.juliaicenogle.com/illustration/illustration.html

Whatever Phobia, you name it they have it.

Must check this out!!!

2009-06-10T00:57:00.001+08:00

What happen to your baby teeth after the dentist take them out. You must check out this blog!

http://mymilktoof.blogspot.com/

Hot holiday

2009-06-06T17:14:00.000+08:00

It feels so good and secured to type on my own keyboard and touch my mouse. I just can't help but indulge myself in using it.

It is the best time to rest and do what i need to do now. It is the HOLI-daysss...zzz... well, I can't wake up in the morning until 10 or 11am... LOL... so bersemangat just now saying 'Do what I need to do...' I just rest til the MAX ;)

Just back from home and getting ready to strike for more.

******

Give thanks to what you have even it is not what you desire. Always count the blessing you have before you even thinking of saying a complain from your mouth.

******

Recently I realised, it is like I have never noticed before, health is more important than wealth. I always believe in this saying but I don't feel it as deep as this time.

Grammar and contextualise Headache

2009-05-30T22:13:00.001+08:00

His mistakes were being recorded and photocopied as proof to check his performance and to be able to terminate him. All is because of 2 sentences:

1. 'My favourite food is hamburgers, hotdog, fried mee and western food.'

(Solutions: 'Foods' = different type of food / eg. Italian foods, Chinese foods;
'Food' can be singular and plural. So, 'my favourite food are hamburgers, hotdogs, noodles, fried mee... ' )

2. List down the animals you can find in the farm. (Based on the KBSR English Text book Primary 5, Pg. 4_)
Goats, cows, ducks,..., fish and prawns.

They argued about whether fish and prawns are considered farm animals and the pupils answered **based on the text** (Bare in mind, it is based on the text not a general questions)

Solution: From my point of view, fish and prawns are ANIMALS. If they are not, what are they supposed to be? Sea creatures? The question also never state that it should be animals on the land or MUST NOT count those that live in the ponds.

3. Name another 3 farm animals.
Some answered these: Dogs, sheep and rats.
Some argued that dog is not farm animal but we have shepherd dog that take cares of the farm. Yet, dog is not farm animal. Rat is not but we do know that farm has rats. Not to mention some farmers keep rats for some farming reasons.

=.=

I think that the key is not that they can't judge but it is just that they did not practise 'Etika Perguruan'.

'Fish' and 'Fishes', what is the difference? (Find from the Grammar book of Prof G)
Fishes = different type of fish and they are LIVE fish living in the sea or the pond.
Fish = Dead fish, the fish you cook and serve on the table and also the plural of fish.

2009-05-23T17:25:00.000+08:00

It is entering the fourth week of serving. I find myself hardly have time to write. I sort of feeling bored about writing blog. Feeling that writing blog cannot share much with others. The time I sit long enough in front of the computer could have been used to go for voluntary work or at least mark a big bundle of books.

...........

Today, I got a gift. A pair of Jeans from my student's mother. She is a relative actually. Yesterday I bought 5 beautiful dresses with a very very reasonable price. I am very happy. Feeling grateful that I have been blessed so much.

The people I meet at work and at home are awesome. They are unique and it has been a blessing to know and love them.
......

Grammar headache: 'Group' It is 'A group of tourists was...' or 'A group of tourists were...' and 'A group of people is coming. ' or 'A group of people are coming.' ?

Solution: 'group' can be used as both plural and singular form. If it is used as singular form, it means the group as a whole or as one. If it is used as plural form, it means that group has many different kind of people.

'There is a lady and a child in the playground' or 'There are a lady and a child in the playground.' ?
My first glance told me that it is 'are' as we tend to count how many people and apply the plural verb in the sentence. However, the answer is 'There is' because 'there' is the pronoun and another important key word is 'and'. This sentence comes from 'There is a lady in the playground' ; ' There is a child in the playground'. So, There is a lady and a child in the playground.

But, 'There are three chairs and a table in the room' is correct. And, 'There is a table and three chairs in the room' is also correct.
......