It has been a long time since I last been here.

Everything seems like transitioning,
every day seems like only God and I walk together,
every day feels like enemies are near four sides of me,
every step gets me to fall and get up to learn more;
every breathe seems to be of valuable, and every words and thoughts have been important.

Every moment sounds like in trouble.
More like what?

I am numb by the confusion.
I am annoyed by the insecurity and fulling other people's demands most of the time.
I like the stretching.
I like the punching.
I like the limitation that makes creativity comes out the show the way.

Here I am God. Help me.

I don't know why but he has mood swing.

I don't know what to say and don't want to go near him.

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Right thing to do vs. selfish and mind your own business

What would you do?

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I tend to forget that I am the teacher and I am their teacher.

I will forget that I am in charge and when I remember I feel nervous.

I let the feeling surrounds me. Surrounding me.

The feeling runs over me and I push it back again.

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I want to take a shower, I feel that the heat is surrounding me.

His emo-ness makes me emo too.

How? I don't like. How? IT IS AFFECTING ME NOW.

I don't want to help.

I am tired of solving other people's problems. I really respect and salute how Mother Teressa did it. How she pulls herself back in one piece when she has to help so many poor, sick, I believe that some people might have lied to her and treated her rudely.

I am tired that I was living in someone's else lie. My reality cannot connect back to the truth that has just revealed. The liar is selfish and did not even want to think of the consequences and how does it hurt the person who believes and wants to help.

I am tired of guessing games. The solution is do my best and it is God whom I need to give my accounts to.

Every day God is stretching me. Changes are molding me to b flexible and sharper than before to know how to take proactive steps.

However, I am sick of lies. I am sure that I am blessed with the gift of innocence. I am innocent, not naive, yet I was being told lies for half a year. I feel very disappointed, I tell God today that I forgive them but I cannot forget. But, it will be a reminder.

Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them. Proverbs 24:16

Be brave and strong! Don't be afraid of the nations on the other side of the Jordan. The Lord your God will always be at your side, and he will never abandon you. Deuter:31:6

These verses comfort me a lot. I cannot give help to others for this mean time. I really fall down in the midst of helping people. I saw myself angry and cannot forgive them then I saw myself standing in a sandy and muddy valley. There were many metal chains tide up loosely all around me. I could get out from there but I did not and start touching the chains and staring at them. I saw lights in front of me direct me to get out from that valley. So, I told God. I want to get out from the valley, free from the chains before they get tighten up and look upon Him, worship Him and focus on Him. At that moment, I feel the tightness on the heart has been released.

Now, my emotion and my mind are not yet fully recover from the shock and the pain. However, I know that my spirit has been touched my God's mighty presence and I am flying with Him.

Thank you Father in Heaven for the wonderful presence. Your words and your promise are real.

Voice

This is the day of time where I feel that I am tired. The tiredness is caused by the dissatisfaction, the long waiting and the unsettled account.

I have always, always been waiting.

When ever will it be on time? Do you want me to speak it out like rain pours down and wet all of you? The unspoken language to know the limit and the need to be on time to settle some important things is just like the sun light shines on you and you feel the heat but the heat is unseen through our eyes.

I have breathless time when suddenly you come to tell me the change. A change that has nothing to do with being flexible or not. It is unreasonable change.

Is there a way for you to say my opinion? Is that my work is not good enough? I only expect on time and the protection you can offer.

Today, a parent asked me why I look tired. I just replied - work. She asked me whether I am happy or not.

My answer is I am grateful and happy than anyone else I know. The children I love are always surrounding me and I could help them with their needs and give them knowledge, love and care. This is the time when I feel the role of teacher is appreciated and needed.

When they call me teacher I just feel so sweet and joyful. My heart will just feel/responds one way- like sun shinning its potential energy - sun light - to warm every single person on earth and let earth starts working and living.

My body is as stubborn as me. I will not go to bed until I almost finish my whole body's energy. Stubborn, eh? But it is me.

Today, I made a decision to call hq. I voiced my opinion which regarding effectiveness and cost effective. The person just told me that 'business needs to take out money for investment.' SICK! I think I did make a point to her that it is about effectiveness and invest in nonsensical parking is not cost effective.

A side of me thinking- am I sound like stingy? But it is not her money she handle, it is our blood and sweat money - stress, work, determination and endless talk - to get a business deal. Moreover, the point is about cost effectives and convenience for every one who needs to attend the meeting. Do I sound stingy or a common sense business minded woman?