Complication in society

It is as if I am such a out-dated blogger. Everyone is blogging with their best language and throw out their feelings. I have done nothing to update this blog so far.

I don't know what to blog about when I don't have a sharp mind, an analytical brain and sensitive soul to feel what is going around me.

This stage of life is the first I feel. Suddenly I am push to climb up high yet I don't know what I am lack of to make me climb higher. Stepping into working world has widen my insight and realizing how does this world works. I see many flaws of mine to be in this world. When I am in a group of people whom I just come to know. Poeple tend to judge me according to their standard. I am as if accepted to do something to impress them and to do anything to show my respect just to gain a bit of their attention and respect back. Taking a job from your boss is also meaning you have work hard and tough to show him or her that you are worth paying his or her money and favour to take you in the company *sickening* After watching Max Payne, my feelings were moved even more. This is really how the world works - people, connection, relation, money and status. To certain extand of my disappointment, even brothers and sisters are treating each other like that. Who are you to judge? Your standard is not any better than any man? Who to blame? How to tear off this desctruction? No one to blame I think. It is just the way the world is and we live in this world. *back to the noise after the rain coming from my window, the sound of car engine and the voice of children screaming downstairs*

I don't want to change to suite into the world. My stubborn soul does not want to change any. Pushing and kicking me to change... In anger, pain, sadness, jealousy and rejection, my stubborness gives some ways to changes. This growing and learning process is really unbearable... I feel like screaming... alone in my room when no one wants to talk and when no one wants to care. They rather in their own world thinking as long as I feel good and does no harm - I don't care and live in my own world.

Throwing out all my anger does not much help especially to my readers and I can't change the world. I am a fighter. But this fighter fell down on the floor on the way to battle. In the midst of this unbearable process, only one voice has in this deep darkness with me. Asking me to be still, telling me I could trust him but trust Him more than man. I have nothing more but Him in my life. I have seen none others but him. I am binded by love, made happy by love and bleed because of love. Love is meant to me painful. Crusifiction is the best spiritually and physically proof.

I think it is how we choose to live and what is our focus by the end of the day. To choose to serve One Master only and along and in the complication we still focus in faith.

* I hope the one whom I have come to know read this. To share about what is inside my heart *