First day = NO DIRECTION

today is the first day of class. I am angry with myself coz I am half confused, lost, struggling to know how and scared. I have forgotten a lot about teaching, theories, language acqusition... blah blah whatever jargon you can name it. I think I have lost my memory. 

I am sitting in one of the famous; everyone had his first time before Cafeteria; starbucks. I still don't like starbucks. The name reminds me of poeple and politic I have been through. However, I am a consumer; a smart and capitalist consumer; I will choose to go to the nearest, most convenient and comfortable bewteen 'Bucks' and 'Bean'. Sitting in Bucks bring to thinking mode. Whether I want to do join this line to work. Also, the memories of working as Barista in Coffee Bean for the past two and a half months. I have become so sensitive to service and how this line targets consumers and make them buy their drinks and still believe that they are premium and the best. I was a Bucks customer until I found out the poeple and politic in Bucks and until I come to know more about the coffees Beans offer. 

Back to I think I have lost my memory. I think I have really lost my memory. I spent almost 3 hours in Bucks, reading some of the profoma coz I have nothing in mind to do other than reread my profoma to hope that I read between the lines what lecturers want me to fulfill their classes and to find clues to know how to manage these papers, think ahead, explore and explode to know assignments. Is it the wrong of the barista or the table or the environment or the songs? I think the root problem is I have no direction when I have arrived in Bucks. NO DIRECTION opens door to anything that could make me side track. I was also carried away by looking at friends already have direction and they start doing it. These two situations strike anxiety to control over my body and mind. I am worried and afraid when I am in this stage and this feeling. I hate it!

No one can help me. It is about direction I choose and where I head to, my personality and how fast my mind can think. I want to stop blaming some causes that I have identified before that actually caused my brain to be slower. I just want to make my brain and my heart stop focusing on these factors and break through. 

I believe and see that the new step to add to 'How to become a strong consistent Christian' is  BREAK THROUGH. I wrote this on my personal planner as I really see that in our growth as the child of God, passion for Him - included serving, praying, close to Him, read His words to grow, the want to break through and let God hold you to fly with Him is a need to add in Christian's life. One will not want to change even he or she already believe unless he or she has the passion and the want to break through to live a victorious life. I want to fly with God like what He shows me. I want to break through, I want to fly. 

Back to NO DIRECTION. I am yet to think which direction I want to go. I have decided to stay with all the courage, understanding and realization. Yet, I still have no direction to go which one. I left 5 months.

I have come to a point that I must say that I am no longer the brilliant gal I used to be. I am no longer having the sharp memory I always have. But, this does not mean I will give up in life. I move on.