I woke up just now from my long nap. It was 7.40p.m. Opps, I think I have overslept a bit. I feel very tired... most of all, I feel a hole missing in the heart and I feel cold.
I feel guilty for not lowering my voice til the most gentle one. I raised my voice. What was in my mind? What have I done? Why I feel so stress up? Will we end up arguing even if I lower my voice and explain with a gentle tone? And will they even listen to me when I explain even I lower my voice?
Where is your empathy? Why can't you all understand me for what I have told you, for what I have explained to you all again and again?
My heart is broken. I know now.
I am trying to put pieces broken heart back to its place and I used to cry. I can't fight the tears that are coming down.
I come out from the same house, think and respond to the same issues and even share the same blood. But, I can't understand why they can't understand me and accept me. Ya, who am I to say? I am nobody. I might not understand them at all too.
Now is my crucial time to choose direction. What you all know about future? Especially what I want and what I really want to break through. All you know is to ask me to go back and stay in the house doing nothing, no direction, not to mention nobody to lead me, not more to say it is again another Egypt enslavement, maybe God intends to make me Joseph, I have to fight alone and live life with hard labour... maybe through these God will reveal...but can I live like that? To be honest, I can't.
I never like to complain. Not in front of them at all. But, today I break the rules. Damn what the fortune tellers who prophesied I am a bad child, I am proud, I won't love my family. Damn the fortune tellers who poisoned their minds. Damn the hearts that believe and accused me for every single detail things I do without using the brain to think. I won't return for good other than visit poeple who know me. Not even a car to drive around to find a damn job to survive, not even more space for me to put my books, not even want to change any arrangement of table or chair to at least make some space. Anyway, I don't want to go back. My heart is staying here in Isreal. Island, how cruel you have treated me. I will make myself go back for them but not for you.
The song of 'I will survive!' is playing in the radio. I will survive.
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