15 Jun 2010

Fri, 11 June.
Rushed to go back early so that I could go to hospital earlier to visit Boon Aun. The first time of so long working there, there was a car blocking my way. She just parked there and went down for shopping. WTC! Idi*T!

I sensed it. Finally strongly assured that it was attack. It is.

Sat, 12 June.

I left home at about 8.50am. My watch and the clock in the car said it is 8. 55 ... 8.59am.. when I was ready to drive it said 9.05am. All the time of the above were not true as I purposely tuned the clock run 6 mins faster for the car, 10 mins faster for the watch and 8 mins faster for the phone.

I headed and was already at MMR2 at around 9.05am (the real 9.05am). I told myself most probably will arrive at Desa Park at 9.25am. I was kind of relief.

After passing Batu Caves, the jam started. I could not believe it but it was real. The cars were lining up as though people were driving from JB to Singapore. DAM* LONG!

My 30 mins distance became 1 hour and 45mins driving. I could not do anything but pray that the mess that was going to happen in the office could be handled.

KM classes did not go well. Voices and opinions saying there might be closing down. End of the class. Deduction of my pay. It was a chaotic Sat. Appointments suddenly cancelled and parents complained of the KM teachers. The good part was I still sensed that the kind of God's peace was and is still in my heart and He had and has faithfully answer each and every prayer of mine for the centre.

I was very down. I work so hard but each time there is something there trying to squeeze the blessing out from my hands and snatching them away.

Praise God! God is always faithfully loving me. His blessing never stops.

Sun, 13 June.

The first time I woke up so early to go to church. Arrived at church at 9.08am. My body and my head were not listening to each other. I could feel that the body was in total sleeping mode.

30mins later, sermon started. Praise God for His words and His faithfulness! Hopelessness and crisis are the opportunity God pours down His blessing and hope.

Pastor started to preach. I wanted so badly to listen to what he wanted to preach. Suddenly, I felt it. I experienced severe fatigue and exhaustion. I could not focus at all and the body was turning into sleeping mode. My head was still conscious listening to pastor but the body could not.

I have never encounter such tiredness. My body slept through the whole sermon but believe it or not my head actually was clear and listened and managed to wake up to jot down notes.

Mon, 14 June

Early morning I was awaken with anxiety. I was worry that I would be caught up with unexpected jam. There was a group of students coming for morning session. However, my whole body experiencing aching again. I totally did not know what to do but lying down waiting energy to come back.

It didn't.

Nevermind. Stood up with both legs, thighs, feet souring aching, head and vision turned white. I walked to the bathroom.

Rushed to pick up Anne's margarine. Suddenly, I experienced gastric. Gosh! WTH!

Walked to the car as quick as I could. OMG! THE CAR WAS DEAD. TOTALLY SILENTLY DEAD. The battery was dead! Thank God for Kee Aun's dad for helping. Honestly, I totally did not know what to do but to call Uncle Edwin. Thank God for him.

At this moment, I felt that the prophesy was true. It was a tide. I felt it. Knew they are coming. Didn't expect it to be so fast.

Came home tired. Cancel Mark's class hopefully can visit Boon Aun and to prevent car dying at Auntie Jackie's place. Fall asleep after knowing the trip to visit him was cancelled.

Supposed to sleep to wake up very early tomorrow to work. I could not sleep again. Just could not. I hope by blogging and finishing my work I can sleep better.



3 Jun 2010

I am down with sickness and my heart was beaten up with sadness.

I ask God to show me why I work so hard.

I cannot effort to allow too much chaotic happens and I will clean up messiness.

I will give all my parents at least an answer.

I will not quit my responsibility even I am very sick or it has nothing to do with me.

Is it because I am a perfectionist or it is a good character?

I also don't know why when things go bad, I am as though the victim to be angry at and release tension. First from both of my parents then my parents then from the people I care and love.

I defend myself but the tension still keep coming.

What should I do?

Patient?

Care again?

Not to feel?

Sometimes, spend my time loving myself is better. At least I will have a good treatment for myself.

 

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