I don't want to help.

I am tired of solving other people's problems. I really respect and salute how Mother Teressa did it. How she pulls herself back in one piece when she has to help so many poor, sick, I believe that some people might have lied to her and treated her rudely.

I am tired that I was living in someone's else lie. My reality cannot connect back to the truth that has just revealed. The liar is selfish and did not even want to think of the consequences and how does it hurt the person who believes and wants to help.

I am tired of guessing games. The solution is do my best and it is God whom I need to give my accounts to.

Every day God is stretching me. Changes are molding me to b flexible and sharper than before to know how to take proactive steps.

However, I am sick of lies. I am sure that I am blessed with the gift of innocence. I am innocent, not naive, yet I was being told lies for half a year. I feel very disappointed, I tell God today that I forgive them but I cannot forget. But, it will be a reminder.

Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them. Proverbs 24:16

Be brave and strong! Don't be afraid of the nations on the other side of the Jordan. The Lord your God will always be at your side, and he will never abandon you. Deuter:31:6

These verses comfort me a lot. I cannot give help to others for this mean time. I really fall down in the midst of helping people. I saw myself angry and cannot forgive them then I saw myself standing in a sandy and muddy valley. There were many metal chains tide up loosely all around me. I could get out from there but I did not and start touching the chains and staring at them. I saw lights in front of me direct me to get out from that valley. So, I told God. I want to get out from the valley, free from the chains before they get tighten up and look upon Him, worship Him and focus on Him. At that moment, I feel the tightness on the heart has been released.

Now, my emotion and my mind are not yet fully recover from the shock and the pain. However, I know that my spirit has been touched my God's mighty presence and I am flying with Him.

Thank you Father in Heaven for the wonderful presence. Your words and your promise are real.

Voice

This is the day of time where I feel that I am tired. The tiredness is caused by the dissatisfaction, the long waiting and the unsettled account.

I have always, always been waiting.

When ever will it be on time? Do you want me to speak it out like rain pours down and wet all of you? The unspoken language to know the limit and the need to be on time to settle some important things is just like the sun light shines on you and you feel the heat but the heat is unseen through our eyes.

I have breathless time when suddenly you come to tell me the change. A change that has nothing to do with being flexible or not. It is unreasonable change.

Is there a way for you to say my opinion? Is that my work is not good enough? I only expect on time and the protection you can offer.

Today, a parent asked me why I look tired. I just replied - work. She asked me whether I am happy or not.

My answer is I am grateful and happy than anyone else I know. The children I love are always surrounding me and I could help them with their needs and give them knowledge, love and care. This is the time when I feel the role of teacher is appreciated and needed.

When they call me teacher I just feel so sweet and joyful. My heart will just feel/responds one way- like sun shinning its potential energy - sun light - to warm every single person on earth and let earth starts working and living.

My body is as stubborn as me. I will not go to bed until I almost finish my whole body's energy. Stubborn, eh? But it is me.

Today, I made a decision to call hq. I voiced my opinion which regarding effectiveness and cost effective. The person just told me that 'business needs to take out money for investment.' SICK! I think I did make a point to her that it is about effectiveness and invest in nonsensical parking is not cost effective.

A side of me thinking- am I sound like stingy? But it is not her money she handle, it is our blood and sweat money - stress, work, determination and endless talk - to get a business deal. Moreover, the point is about cost effectives and convenience for every one who needs to attend the meeting. Do I sound stingy or a common sense business minded woman?

Go for it? Don't go for it? Go for it? Save the cash better...???

Suddenly the need of having a new laptop arises 10 times than before.

The reason is I really cannot always depends on grace to use better and faster laptop from others. It just cannot last long.

However, looking at my bank account. It just does not allow me. Moreover, it will pull my dream to save around 10k in a year further. I have calculated before that it is impossible for me to save 10k a year after deduction of expenses. The most is 5 to 6k. Still, I wish to really save 5k!

To upgrade my existing laptop will cost even more.
1. Battery = 300
2. Processor + others = 800
Total = 1100

By topping up another 1200, I can buy a total brand new and even better Lenovo lappy.

I feel bad to always depend on grace to do my work faster. I feel embarrass as I should have my own laptop as it is my job.

What should I do? To buy or not to buy?

To buy means do work faster, independent, mobility and cool factor increases by 5 times BUT saving plan goes down into half only.

Not to buy means do work with this slow speed, not independent, not mobile friendly, cool factor is decreasing BUT saving plan will be near to reality.

Materialistic or need?

I really wish to write these in my list but I don't want to because it will permanently in my diary.

So, I write in my blog. Coz I know I will change the list once I am satisfied or bored with the dream xD another word can be 'give up' or 'I have thought through about it and find it not worth it to have it.'

The grace and anointing God is what I need. However, there are somethings that I really wish I have:

1. My Lenovo mini lappy

2. Cell phone

3. NEW SPECS, yes new specs.

4. saving plan. Yes, saving plan. No kidding.

My solid IBM is still solid and strong. Never give me troubles and I truly thank God for that. The only problem is upgrading is way too costly and it is really laggy. It is not so convenient for me to bring it around compare to have a mini one. *Looking at the sky and sigh* Some friends I know think that laptop is just cheap nowadays. Ya, it is true. However, saving is my first priority. I totally could not afford one now even the need of a new laptop is appearing. But, you are a teacher. I know. Teachers don't earn that much unless we do 'out source delivery' or get a good lecturing position.

It is dropping apart! Yes, my phone. Cool factor drops 5 points out of 10! *sniff sniff* Sony functions is very user friendly but as my career is reaching another level. I feel strongly that the need of a new cell to help me do my work is reaching to my nose. But, I really could not afford yet. *Looking down feeling sad*

Just now, I suddenly realised that I need a new specs. The rubber on the nose part is dirty and SO DAMN HARD TO CLEAN! My Gosh! I still cannot change specs because I still can't find a reasonable shop with good workmanship like the one I used to go in Penang. The uncle is just awesome. Some might think that I am just bias but it is true!!! That uncle has his own shop and most of his specs are not 'China stocks'. It is also very reasonable and his workmanship is just BEST OF THE BEST! Even daddy's specs still last until today. It is more than 8 years di!

Last but not least, a saving plan. There is this saving plan that I always wanted to start but I still could not commit yet. My source of bread is not stable yet and I am a bit worry to commit in the plan as I really dono whether I can afford to commit or not. My head has a lot of 'what if'... aaaaaaa...

Feel that I am materialistic. Looking at the list I only see money, new technology and cool gadget. That are what I want and also what I need. I need grace and blessing from God but I do not know why a part of me deeply feel that I am lack of something to move forward in daily life when I do not have these things.

I already know the next thing to come in the list is a spacious apartment and our design.

And, my ultimate desire is to have lots of billions in the bank to have unlimited usage and each month have big amount of profit putting into the account. That is honestly my ultimate dream. Crazy, am I?

Cool like that, cool like that

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Slap the tongue that speaks simply.

Close the ears that lightly listen to anything.

Open the eyes but did not see.

No head. No sense. No touch. No feel.

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

No choice so,

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Virtue, Faith and peace are hard to keep. They remain in you but it is often hard to do it.