Motor Cross

It has been a long time since we had a good walk. We went to Imbi and walked to Pavillion.

Along the way, I saw a crowd of Chinese, who styled themselves like Taiwanese, spoke the Japanese Kawaii language. Then, in front of me, there was another big group of people, mostly Pakistanese and UAE friends. They spoke their language and they were so comfortable here and enjoyed themselves. Their casual talk and laughter made me almost forget that I were the local actually.

I lined up in front JCo, waiting for my turn. My front and my back were mostly westerners and UAE friends. I felt that I were the foreigner among them xD

I felt kind of insecure whenever I went there. The place has been improving and changing rapidly. I can't catch hold my breath to accept it. New style comes up and people forget about the old style and old stories. Every week or even every day new people, new crowd and new faces will go to the place for holiday and shopping. I don't like the feeling of being forgotten and unfarmilize. Each visit there as if another new danger discovery.

Anyway, I am back home safely. Praise God. He came back with me smilling happily :P

Tomorrow is another Motor Cross. Tuesday is Motor Cross Level 2. I must do it and I pray hard and real hard (I mean really hard) that God makes this cross another Moses crosses Red Sea.

Thank you Jesus.

Just when I posted this latest post, I saw this advertisement on the right side of the screen.

"You feel that you can't make it? You are not talented? You just want to give up. GIVE UP, give up, Give Up. Take their advice and go join 'The way to Happiness Foundation"

I clicked to the site, knowing that the way to happiness is no where else but Jesus, still I clicked the site.

The site showed so many ways to live life in another aspect.

I smiled.

I have been through life like this. Some of the teachings are universal truth. They are all in the bible. I hate this feeling coz the site reminded me again. I followed all the ways the philosopher taught or whoever taught. But, in the end of the day, I still cried and struggled in darkness. The teaching can't even reach an inch closer to the problem of the heart and soul. It just feel so empty. Still feel damn unfair about life.

paused typing.

I looked up in the air. My heart feels so warm now. Tears come out. It is Jesus who saved me. Not because I am a better person, but simply because He loves me. My heart and soul have an answer now and forever. That is Jesus.
I still have disappointment in life. I still struggle, look at my work, my monkeys and suckers in school, but I have Jesus forever.

That's how I see

Is that mean I have to leave if I have lost my passion? Is is better for me to go if I find that I have no more desire for my job?

These are the questions pushed to me by someone dedicated at work.

I am half worn out, no life, tired and already come to the level of 'motor-cross'. I have joy and fun. At the same time, I do stress out til I can't take it anymore.

My colleagues who work more than 2 years have the following attitude:

Type I: 'don't care so much anymore'.
Every day just marking, marking, checking corrections, teaching and teaching, scolding and scolding, giving and giving remedial classes until 4.45pm or even 5pm.
They are nice people, always able to understand your situation, always try to help out but always tell me the worst things that are coming as they have been through all that in the 3 years of experience.
They don't feel happy or excited. 'Don't ask me whether I feel my life is meaningful or not. I am numbed di.'

Type II: 'Just do your best. This is life.'
Every day just marking, marking, checking corrections, teaching and teaching, scolding and scolding, giving and giving remedial classes until 4.45pm or even 5pm.
Helpful , friendly and loving people who can give you some motivation once in a while.
They love teaching and feel that it is worth it.

Type III: They think that they know everything and always right about everything and their words can determine your hard work to go to waste.
Every day just marking, checking corrections, teaching, scolding, go back on time, boss you to do things at the very last minute when the fact is you really don't think that you can complete your work. It is not because you are lazy, don't want to push yourself to try or stubborn, but it is simply so difficult for newbies. Plus, they won't even tell you how to start or where to get the things when they should be the one to tell you.
Push deadline to you, show the stuck up face. AAAARRRGGGG
Gossip is their favourite pass time, acting to be very professional when Boss is around, online shopping and chatting and surfing the net all the time, non stop and totally not because of teaching or just to relax for awhile.

What am I talking about now... sigh... I don't know... I am worn out...

Lord, I need motivation and anointing. I need a break. I am not being lazy. I really really need a break. Please take care of the monkeys and suckers in school. I really have no more strength to teach when I am totally worn out.

Today, pastor came to talk to me. She still remembered about the difficulities I told her about my work. She wanted to talk more and introduce me to other school. She thought that such stress just will harm anyone's body and mind. I TOTALLY agree.

Today, in church, I told God I forgive those who accused me for nothing, talked bad about me when they are the cause of the problems and those who jealous about me.

I will do my best. I hand my imperfection into His hands - Proverbs 20
I am suck in Grammar. I KNOW IT LONG TIME AGO. I GO AGAINST THE TIGHTS coz I don't want to give up easily. Yet, I struggled til I cried most of the time to mark essays, 50 over essays in a morning.

I keep myself in prayer. I still give thanks though I talked so much just now about people at work. This is because I know that there are 10 times worst school than mine. There are worst work load than mine. Perhaps I am newbie or I am just simply a weak person.

I need coffee.

If I were the boss...

Each teacher deserves a better office.

A wide, flat and white table, personal laptop or computer, enough bookshelf and the staff room should look motivating.

http://www.clicarq.com/oficinas-konstruplus/

Love. BOLD

I need love.

I slept and slept for the past two days. I went for check up to ensure that I was not affected by any unwanted virus.

I felt very lonely recently. I never want to throw any emotion to you. But, sometimes I just cannot help it. I do not know what is lack in me. I do not know. I feel that I need to be loved not left out. I need to feel that there is always someone who supports me at work and also at home.

My hormones run up and down recently. As a result, I need to feel more than I used to. I just need to feel it. I need it so badly. Feel loved, feel companies and feel cared.

I give my best to my students and my family. Do you know? Do you feel it? What is lack there? Who can love me too? God... are you there? Do you know all the bitterness and fear I face every day and week? SOS SOS SOS

******
I can't stand it anymore. I let it out. I cried. Standing outside the house. Felt lonely and left out. I didn't blame anyone. It is the life I am living now.

I cried. Didn't care whether neighbours heard it or not.

Is it because I have never grow up? I am childish? I am coward?

I sent out sms to ask for help, support and prayers. Those that I count on really replied me. The one phone call and one message have spoken so much, so much to my heart.

I continued to cook my maggie mee. SH*T ~~~!!! I forgot how to turn on gas! Which button was supposed for which one! So much of lesson plans and so much of talking and teaching but I forgot HOW TO TURN ON GAS!

I tried. Failed! Heard frizzly sound but didn't know where it came from.

I gave up.

Looking at the maggie mee packet that I have opened. Looking at the hot water I have poured into the bowl to 'soak' my mee.

Everything turned silent for a moment.

Suddenly, I prayed out loud. 'God, you must help me. It is my attitude. I need to be BOLD.' I went to turn on the first button and tried to put the fire gun near to the stove. 'Just try la, so scared of dying, TRY!'

The fire is lighten up! I put on a smile. I cooked my noodles. Fed myself. I think they are having good time there too. They need it.

It is my attitude other than some unreasonable factors happened in my life that make my life tough. I guess It is me who is timid always. I must be BOLD. Think, plan and DO IT! Don't hold back and think and think again and again. That will not get things done; thus, stress and more stress come. Coz I can't complete all the tasks.

******

I need you to love me. Gals n Guys friends. I need your support, care and hear your voice. Don't leave me behind.