I had a bad month. Not just a bad month. It has been more than two bad months. Teachers IN OUT, students crying because of several reasons that have nothing to do with me or my lessons, weird parents and their complaints, messy management from HQ, partner who is unable to assist me in most of need, demanding lesson plans for English classes especially Korean students and students who have retain in a level for very long, teachers of mine who face death and facing chronic illness.

Looking back at the photos (I can't share them with you as it is P&C and I need to get permissions from parents if I were to use their photos), I smile sweetly. My centre is not bad. I have been thinking negatively that it has been bad. And, most of all, it is my students. They are adorable. I love them. When I look at the books of the programme I am running. I truly see one thing: knowledge. I don't see money as most business person would do.

Who is who?

Can you tell who is who?

It is a rocket science to understand that the whole universe survives on human leading human. It is dangerous and in fact the most not reliable at all. People like Moses, Joshua, Jacob, John, Peter and etc. are leaders selected by Jesus. I truly come to a point where I don't understand the game God has started, the life God has created and the human God chosen.

Human leads human is what the eye can see but it is actually very abstract and it can be either a neutral idea or a negative idea.


I come to the cliff where I feel like letting go again and just fall down to the grass and rest for a long, long time.

I failed to take it this afternoon. I talked a lot with my teacher to release the stress because if I don't talk it out I will surely break down. It was really too much for me to hold on to it. I just can't anymore.

I just can't. I can't talk about it and I can't share with any people I know as I am the leader of my business. Whether I like it or not, it is not ethical to talk about it with people outside the circle. Hence, whether my teacher likes it or not she has to kind of know what is going on and what is happening and what is the interest of the company.

My office was in a mess until just now 11.30pm. My body somehow responded to me to move on and continue to fight. My whole body was almost NUMBED AND LOOSE ITS FEELING FOR ALMOST WHOLE YEAR!

GOD.

sick and tired

I am very sick and tired of unable to come out curriculum lesson planning.

I am sick and tired of unable to solve the problem of how to keep track of student's progression effectively and creatively.

I NEED SOS HELP!!!

Yeah and Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Can you spot the different emotion and setting of these two pictures?

One is playing and jumping with excitment; whereby; the other one is full of important notices and tasks to complete soon.

That is how I feel. God what should I do? I really DON'T KNOWWWWWW

Hang on or let go?

I believe that many people are at the point of the top where they feel like letting it go and then the next thing you know you fall. Fall to the nearest cliff or totally to the ground.

I have no idea why I climb high up and at this point of time I only have one hand holding myself up. I feel like I can't take it anymore and feel like letting myself fall to the ground.

Does it worth it? I feel that it is not worth it and I should bite on. However, I still have this feeling to just let go and don't want to care anymore. Is that what my friend feels too? What decision they make?

It is going to be a life chancing decision once we let go. Why do I have to struggle? Why can't I have another support to come at the right timing to pull me up?

No one seems to know that I am falling off the cliff soon. No one seems to care or help. No one. Every one just so busy of themselves. What should I do? Like Jesus self sacrifice? What should I do?

Am I?

I went shopping today and realised that most women in the ladies store were either small in size or extremely thin. When I stood next to them, I felt like I was a round penguin meeting a big group of giraffes.

The next depressing thing was most clothes I tried had already run out of sizes or too big or too tight. None just comfortably fit. I am looking for comfortably fit! The market only sees people like them to be their customers, penguin's size like me is not welcome.

Am I overweight or obese? Most women I meet, they are small, tall and fit or extremely thin... Gosh... I feel so emo thinking about that as though I don't even deserve to eat because I already have enough calories to last me the whole month!

Can I fly?

Am I a flightless bird? ... I know only God will make me fly with me...

Did I?

Did I miss any sunshine opportunity? God tells me...

Pengu students

My students look like them when the main instructor is out of the classroom to talk to parents. Most of them does not know what to do and they will just stand their with their hands straight down and calling gently 'teacher PoayLing...' They are so adorable. May Jesus protect and bless them. Jesus loves children and the one with child-like heart will enter the kingdom of God.

Emo.

A picture speaks a thousand words. This is how I feel. Tight down. Need anointing from heaven to wet me.

Lord, I need you more and more each day. Please don't leave me waiting dry. Thank you Jesus.

WHY?

I want to be fit. I am been in the dilemma of renting house and staying at places that are old. When will I have a new house? New kitchen, living room, toilet, bedroom and working room?

God puts me in it. I don't know why. I feel so dry and down for the past few weeks and I don't have any choices or any side to go when I am down into oppression, accusation and stress.

I feel disappointed. The faith is there but the Jesus I used to be so closed with is as though absent. His voice says that He is still here, His words tell me that He will never leave me but I can't sense His anointing and strong sweet wet presence for a long time already.

When will it be back to normal? My life has been stirred until it can't go back to normal but I pray it will be beautiful blessing flowing everywhere by the end of the day.

Jesus celebrates CNY with me

I guess many people have blogged about CNY and how unhappy or happy they are during this CNY. Anyone can easily read what you write about them here.

I don't want to blog anything about my family whether it is good, bad, mistreated, being loved and blessed - Jesus walked with me. Thank you Jesus for such a close relationship you give me.

Often, many of us, we feel kind of left our during Chinese New Year as most of our relatives might not be of the same age and share the same interest. I feel closer to Jesus when I feel kind of left out. No one can love and care for us like Jesus does. Our parents' love is the secondary love from God and I personally have this thought that God created human and made us have parenting love for our children just like how He loves us.

Have you ever walked so closed and know deep in your soul and heart that Jesus is real and He is close with you every day? He is.

Love. Children. Loved one. Friends. Brothers and sisters.

If you love him/her, give him a blank piece of paper to create.

Present him every opportunity to hand on to help than prepare everything and too comfortable; thus, he forgets how to have comfort and immune to servant hood.

Prepare him a room, with simple bed, simple table, chair and shelfs, for growth, improvement and self discovery.

Give him space to move, express and to be moody.

Give him a wide window for sunlights to shine and shadows to follow so he can feel life, nature and beauty.

Prepare him simple food and simple 'umbrella' for 'rain' - you know what 'umbrella' you need for your home and loved ones.

Show him discipline, talk and reinforcement when it is needed.

'spare the rod, spoil the child'. - Proverbs

'If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. ' - Matthew.

'Love thy neighbour like your love thyself'

Show respect, love, care, good response, flexibility, share wise thoughts for action is louder than words - he WILL follow and realise.

Put God first for no other things should be before the Almight.


------ Kicpling ------

Chinese!

So, I am home now. It seems like almost every corner and every building in Penang has changed except home.

It can be good and bad.

The moment I entered my house, haven't even change, dad started to ask me to show him my medical report. I totally forgot to bring home!!! *Shuuuuut* The next thing is my diet is being questioned and the next thing is all the rules and regulations I must follow. The next thing is all important letters were given to me whether I have time to take a breath or not I must take all of them and read them now.

The next thing is how much is my salary - check all the details like as though I am a girl - well, i am fine if people ask as they care but as to compare with cousins and keep telling me what wrong foot steps others have taken won't help. I don't look up to them and most of all I am not them. I am who I am and I am a sinful person God saved and renewed.

Checking out all my things and only leave comments that I wish I never know. Is this Chinese thing? I really don't understand. I have Chinese blood, I grow up learning mandarin and share the same culture. However, it is just different. WHy ah?

God, bring me to walk with you closer and I hope I have patience for these few days. Thank you for your faithfulness.

3 battles in a day and fight back in the name of Jesus

Reflections...

I begin the blog with birds flying freely in the sky and a woman ready to get inthe battle.

That is what I see at the end of the day, by God's grace and mercy He lets me realise that I can choose freedom and fly with Him.

If you say it is not the enemy's plan, I don't believe. As I reflect back, since morning until night I am being annoyed from many parties.

Incident 1: All this while, I, as the tenant at my centre, have the right to borrow trolley and the cleaner and the guard or the cleaner will push it back to the place where the trolley belongs. It has been like since the day we move in to the building.

Today, suddenly the bell rang. I opened the door. A lady, with spectacles and with office lady clothes, came to complain. I actually forgot that I was the one used the trolley as I was very busy with work and totally too indulged until I forgot that it was me who last used the trolley. She came in and talked like she is the boss. She is being very bossy in deed. She complained that the tenants use the trolley and it belongs to another party and so on and blah and blah and blah. Well, I guess I don't look like part of the boss that was why she kept whining and complaining and increased her voice as she talked. --- TRY TO IMPOSE WHATEVER NON BLACK AND WHITE LAWS ON TENANT = ME.

After thinking through and analyse problem: The trolley belongs to a public property, meaning there is no black or white saying the tenant cannot use the trolley. Secondly, the lady must have been complained by any of her superiors and I guess she did not receive good bonus from her boss. Thus, frustrated and cranky.

If all the tenants leave them within two years,I seriously believe that this complex will face serious turn over and financial problem. Lastly, I feel that it is really not the tenants' problem. The landlord is not efficient and they are trying impose their whatever ways they like on us. Worst, we pay more than RM1200 of maintenance fee + cleaning fee per month and we are pushed to follow man's approval to live.

Come to think about it, I really praise God for His creation. Thank God that He creates Man is the leader of the family and man has the figure of leader. I am not saying woman is any less to be a good leader. I met many great leaders and they are strong women. However,female tends to have many 'blah blah blah' and not straight to the point and not straight to the problem and thus no solution then they will complain and behave like childish and foolish person.

Incident 2: BB complained the calculation of fee.

We have tried our best and some parents really very fussy about the school fee. I am trying my best and sometimes we cannot argue as we really cannot do anything. Well, I will look at it as 'ok, I will take note of that and we will not do it again' If any clients complain, I would ask them to write in to email to the big boss.

Again, unreasonable and foolish thinking is trying to imposed to me.

BB should come in and work with us for a week - hey, maybe BB should take over my role and promise no mistake like miss out students, books and etc. Then, BB will know.


Incident 3: HQ foolish returning stocks.

Dah la not enough books for almost 364 days in a year now they want us to return more than half a thousand of books. I really don't understand. The blood rush up to the top of my head! I can feel the heat and the anger! I complain at home. Poor Kee Aun and family have to hear this.

At first, I wrote a long email to complain and express my frustration. After cooling down, I prayed and decided that I will keep my email short using powerful reasons and words. If they really want me to return I know what to do. I will return to them. I don't live for my company and I don't live for secure amount of books. I live for Jesus. In my journey I walk with Him and I walk for Him. I want to depend on God to open doors for me for victory and win this battle of 'requesting the amount of books we suppose to have'.

I want to depend on Jesus to win the victory like Nehemiah, Benjamin, David and Moses. The people that come to my mind are Nehemiah and David. I pray that God's favour and mercy upon me and I pray that I win and walk with victory in the name of Jesus, not by my way and strength but by depending on Him to lead. I have done my part to write emails to the right authority and stated clearly the solid reason. The rest I just surrender to Jesus.

'The victory is mine but the battle is the Lord, HOSANA HOSANA X2' I want to depend on Jesus.

There are 3 major sides of parties come at the same time to impose non black and white rules and tighten me. I see myself stronger than before. I still respond over it. If I say I don't and only think and then only respond - I AM LYING! When you are in my position, you will know what I mean. But I see that this tearing down let me see that I am stronger - I am not so afriad anymore and I am not in anxiety like tomorrow I will be dead meat. I feel that what I need to do is to pray hard, walk with faith and walk close with God to win this battle. I will do 100% what I need to do and the rest I leave it to Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Practice Theory even you totally don't feel like doing it.

'Practice Theology'

This is the phrase hits me during the Sunday's sermon. I have studied 4 years about being a teacher, methodology, ethics, philosophy, sociology, leadership and etc. I have the tendency to not practice all the theories and methodology I studied when I teach and worst of all I feel like giving up. I feel like I want a break and I rather work as a librarian for a short while just to stay away from all the pressure, expectation and stop meeting and handling weird demands and complaints.

I just want a break. I want to stop whatever methodology and theories I am training my teachers and go somewhere else and totally put down the burden and responsibility.

Today God shows me that when He empower you as a leader you need to 'Practice Theology/Theory'.

Again, God speaks to me our life, my life is to walk with faith. He favours faith and He wants me to put no other things as important as Him.

I sitting in front of my laptop wondering how do non believers live. How do they survive in the lonely darkness and when fear, anxiety, anger, temptation come, how? These poor sheep have lost their way.

Again, God encourages me that my blog post yesterday is His teaching - Pride tears down characters, thus we cannot glorify God.

Pride will tear off your character

Today I spoke to a parent using the word 'The lesson will push forward/ carry forward as the following week is a holiday..' He looked at me as though some kind of nerd speaking English.

He told me it should be 'push frontward' or 'reserve'. *Whatever it is*

I smiled to him with my face all turning red because I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

First of all, I don't agree with using word 'push forntward' or 'reserve'.

Most of all, it is the attitude that really trigger my frustration and anger.

Who are you? Even if you have a master or graduate from Oxford, with such attitude I don't have respect for you.

I keep reminding myself - Pride will tear my character to pieces leaving nothing to shine for Jesus.

Back to myself again. A one man show and two small pairs of hands yet powerful

I am left with a thought of giving up.

In this year of 365 days, I want myself to learn to control my emotion. I need to stay calm and just let go when ridiculous things happen and funny people with over ridiculous request. I envy Boon Aun's jazzy life. When he plays his jazz music, it is as though we are in back to our safe zone and look at life pass by, play with it and reflect. It is as though we are in a cozy and proper restaurant to enjoy and drink a cup of good coffee. Thus, enjoy.

I have decided that I will help her until the end. It has been almost the end of Jan, I have another 11 months to go. I will maintain. I will fight. I pray God grant me favours and open doors like how He grants Nehemiah favour and opens doors for him under the King Artaxerxes. When the end comes, I will see how God leads me to new place and new hope and new challenge. In the end, it is not about me it is God I live for.

I need God more and more.

Many things to do and there are many reflections that I don't feel like pen them down and don't even want to leave any mark on the net.

After about 6 years of living in KL, one major difference I realize is less thing can be done in KL within a day compare to Penang island.

I used to be able to follow mummy and get most of the things done. Everything can be done as soon as possible if what you need to do is before 8pm. Plus, the shop and places we go are good, reasonable and honest business people.

Living in KL, there must be the thoughts first. You will have a lot of things to do in your hand. You will have to make a time to make it happen. Secondly, the shop you prefer might be 30 or 45min away from your house. Or need to pass few tolls to reach there. Secondly, different area has different price for certain items.

Second different thing is Penang is traditional British style and simple minded. KL has so much to offer and it has a lot of variety. From smoothing to hot spicy.

In Penang, you can have a slightly above average income and have above average house and eat well, wear well and live well.

In KL, you can have good income but cannot guarantee you have good house. The tendency to spend on good clothes and phone is high. In Penang, rich people are really willing to spend on branded perfume, handbag, and phones. However, in KL phone is cheaper but KL people have to spend higher price for clothes for social demands.

I am in between. Sometimes I cannot breathe. Someone comes to the house and we all start chatting. I am weak in the head therefore the will to do something is weak. I forgot what I wanted to blog.

The most important is God. I only see hopes in Jesus. I see that only He can bring us to the things that we cannot imagine and only He will be your best best friend forever.