Heart broken but I will survive

I woke up just now from my long nap. It was 7.40p.m. Opps, I think I have overslept a bit. I feel very tired... most of all, I feel a hole missing in the heart and I feel cold. 

I feel guilty for not lowering my voice til the most gentle one. I raised my voice. What was in my mind? What have I done? Why I feel so stress up? Will we end up arguing even if I lower my voice and explain with a gentle tone? And will they even listen to me when I explain even I lower my voice? 

Where is your empathy? Why can't you all understand me for what I have told you, for what I have explained to you all again and again? 

My heart is broken. I know now. 

I am trying to put pieces broken heart back to its place and I used to cry. I can't fight the tears that are coming down.

I come out from the same house, think and respond to the same issues and even share the same blood. But, I can't understand why they can't understand me and accept me. Ya, who am I to say? I am nobody. I might not understand them at all too.

Now is my crucial time to choose direction. What you all know about future? Especially what I want and what I really want to break through. All you know is to ask me to go back and stay in the house doing nothing, no direction, not to mention nobody to lead me, not more to say it is again another Egypt enslavement, maybe God intends to make me Joseph, I have to fight alone and live life with hard labour... maybe through these God will reveal...but can I live like that? To be honest, I can't. 

I never like to complain. Not in front of them at all. But, today I break the rules. Damn what the fortune tellers who prophesied I am a bad child, I am proud, I won't love my family. Damn the fortune tellers who poisoned their minds. Damn the hearts that believe and accused me for every single detail things I do without using the brain to think. I won't return for good other than visit poeple who know me. Not even a car to drive around to find a damn job to survive, not even more space for me to put my books, not even want to change any arrangement of table or chair to at least make some space. Anyway, I don't want to go back. My heart is staying here in Isreal. Island, how cruel you have treated me. I will make myself go back for them but not for you.  

The song of 'I will survive!' is playing in the radio.  I will survive. 

WHAT WAT WAAAAT A DAY!!!

Perhaps today the lesson God wants me to learn is forgiveness. 

What a day~!!!!!! 

Situation number 1: JAM and very jam in the car park. Drivers were pressing their horn non stop and without mercy regardless whether you are the cause of the jam or not. I am serious abt the NON STOP part. Crazy than some penang drivers. The sound, the horn, and the congestion give us such a stress.

Situation 2: I went to Guardian. Lined up at the pharmacy counter. Not feeling well, heavy flue that caused my right ear can't hear properly and carrying my heavy laptop. Waited patiently for the families in front to settle their payment coz something worng with their credit cards. There were a couple, a lady and a tall western friend plus I myself lining up to wait for our turn. Being understanding customers, we waited patiently and holding his breath for the congestion. Mable waited for me til almost melting and she was still waiting without a sound. Suddenly, an auntie and uncle came, cut our line as if they owned the shop and rush to buy their medication. 

I don't understand why the pharmacist served them instead of us who had been lining up more than 20 min. What a DAY!!! When it was our turn, they didn't serve us politely but just throw the medication we want on the counter. Looking from their point of view, I know they are stress and the auntie and uncle need their medication but we are customers and also seriously needing our medication too... we didn't even show them any faces =.="... What a day! What is the problem???

Situation 3: Then, Mable and I went to Coffee Bean. I bought my coffeee and go online. I have no other choice but use the the nearest plug. Here come a group of teens. That two guys rush to buy drinks and kicked my adapter. My laptop and my coffee were almost on the floor!!! I know that in this situation there is no right or wrong so immediately without thinking I apologised. Irony is THEY GAVE ME A LOOK AND STARED AT ME! Mable and I were pissed too. Gentlemen! What is in your mind!!!

I told Mable that they gave me a look even I apologised first. And, in this pissed situation I did complain but I did not curse. I said out loud coz I knew that their gals' frens are behind me. WHAT A DAY!!!! They stood up when the guys walked here and said out loud that they want to move place to another side with a rude tone. I did feel uncomfortable. However, I choose to pretend I do not care anymore and I do not bother to look. Many customers will do what I do which is sit to the nearest table less than even 0.5 metre and plug in to go online. Well, I won't say out loud next time or at least wait til they left. I don't know what is the problem. It was an accident! Gentlemen!!! =.="

WHAT A DAY!!!!! I do not want to let these poeple spoil my mood. It is affecting Mable's mood as well. Ending this blog with prayer. 

First day = NO DIRECTION

today is the first day of class. I am angry with myself coz I am half confused, lost, struggling to know how and scared. I have forgotten a lot about teaching, theories, language acqusition... blah blah whatever jargon you can name it. I think I have lost my memory. 

I am sitting in one of the famous; everyone had his first time before Cafeteria; starbucks. I still don't like starbucks. The name reminds me of poeple and politic I have been through. However, I am a consumer; a smart and capitalist consumer; I will choose to go to the nearest, most convenient and comfortable bewteen 'Bucks' and 'Bean'. Sitting in Bucks bring to thinking mode. Whether I want to do join this line to work. Also, the memories of working as Barista in Coffee Bean for the past two and a half months. I have become so sensitive to service and how this line targets consumers and make them buy their drinks and still believe that they are premium and the best. I was a Bucks customer until I found out the poeple and politic in Bucks and until I come to know more about the coffees Beans offer. 

Back to I think I have lost my memory. I think I have really lost my memory. I spent almost 3 hours in Bucks, reading some of the profoma coz I have nothing in mind to do other than reread my profoma to hope that I read between the lines what lecturers want me to fulfill their classes and to find clues to know how to manage these papers, think ahead, explore and explode to know assignments. Is it the wrong of the barista or the table or the environment or the songs? I think the root problem is I have no direction when I have arrived in Bucks. NO DIRECTION opens door to anything that could make me side track. I was also carried away by looking at friends already have direction and they start doing it. These two situations strike anxiety to control over my body and mind. I am worried and afraid when I am in this stage and this feeling. I hate it!

No one can help me. It is about direction I choose and where I head to, my personality and how fast my mind can think. I want to stop blaming some causes that I have identified before that actually caused my brain to be slower. I just want to make my brain and my heart stop focusing on these factors and break through. 

I believe and see that the new step to add to 'How to become a strong consistent Christian' is  BREAK THROUGH. I wrote this on my personal planner as I really see that in our growth as the child of God, passion for Him - included serving, praying, close to Him, read His words to grow, the want to break through and let God hold you to fly with Him is a need to add in Christian's life. One will not want to change even he or she already believe unless he or she has the passion and the want to break through to live a victorious life. I want to fly with God like what He shows me. I want to break through, I want to fly. 

Back to NO DIRECTION. I am yet to think which direction I want to go. I have decided to stay with all the courage, understanding and realization. Yet, I still have no direction to go which one. I left 5 months.

I have come to a point that I must say that I am no longer the brilliant gal I used to be. I am no longer having the sharp memory I always have. But, this does not mean I will give up in life. I move on. 

First visit... Yeah! Happy one!

Day 1

Finally I went to his house. It has been a prayer item for a long time already. I am thankful that God has been so understanding and faithful. He already knows all and bring me there. I am thankful that He was with me. The first visitation was great and I love his house. I love the simple life and the simple neighbourhood. I still believe that simplicity is the best way of life to be able to keep ourselves to live our lives and love the poeple God places among us in this complicated world. 

Another happy moment is drink home cook soup and have cookies to bring home! XD I know that all these are blessing of God that my human mind has never thought so. :)

     

Day 2

His mother was very thoughtful. She bought me lunch and cooked us dinner. We wrapped christmas gifts, went to Jusco and walked around his neighbourhood after dinner. Simple yet it was filled with sincerity and pure joy. Thank you Jesus for love and blessing come from You. 

Day 3

hehehe... well, today is day 3. I am still sitting at home blogging. I am suppose to walk to take taxi to lrt but I just can't help it to blog all these out. Juayn has cooked her mom's tong yun for me xD ... another mom at home to love me... I love her too... Today I will join Kee Aun and his family and church members for christmas eve celebration. Thinking back, I have never spend any christmas or christmas eve with family in local church :) This is really my frist time. Most of the time I will go for mission trip at different places. Carolling, sharing, praying and eat all night long during Christmas :) Can't wait for tonight. Later Kee Aun's father will teach me how to cook smash potato :P Yeah!