Popularity down turn

It is painful to see some photos that trigger some sad memories.

I was there but I was not in their hearts. I felt left out. The pain and sourness that I have now shows how hurt the incident has done to me.

I feel the more I live the more I am alone. Does my other course mates or school mates or the friends I used to meet at tuition centre feel the same? I don't have much high school friends. The few, who were very closed to my heart, are either in the State pursuing their dreams or in Penang and left me forgotten in their mind.

Does my other friends feel the same? But I see that they are as though acting very happy and excited. When we dine together, they don't even mention a single bit of their problem. Everything seems to be very cool, very good and they are very wealthy.

Did I or do I smaller my circle of friends? I consciously do it or unconsciously do it? I rather do work and work hard rather than chat much with big group of people. I guess that is why I am not popular. I don't know how to socialise. Sigh =/

I only feel Jesus is my best friend. Well, God is still good to me at least when I sign into facebook, I have many post appear on the page. I have faithful darling writes on my wall.

I am not popular I am sure. I have few friends left on earth. My goosh. What should I do? Who can or how to help me? =,<

Make new friends and brew the friendship to be truthful friends

I realise that I don't have friends. I don't have much friends at all. Emo-ed. Feel sad. But there is a tiny voice inside me telling me again and again, it is ok God is with you and Jesus is your friend. I feel very emo. Almost cried. Feel that I have forgotten. I don't blame anyone because I know that I am not a sociable type or party animal. My absent makes others don't keep me in mind. Fire will turn to flame and vanish.

I felt hurt. It is tough when he is not around to cheer, listen and accompany me. I can't wait for 4th Dec.

I put my heart and soul on work and love the children. I love them very much; at the same time, taking measured steps to keep a distance from them so that I won't be heart broken when they grow up one and leave my centre. Secondly, most importantly, when I put my heart and soul in it, every day is a walk of faith and every moment God is getting more real than ever before and God is getting closer to me like never before.

Looking back, I did not loose much but I gain better relationship with Jesus who is my true friend. I tell myself to let go and know tell myself - I loose old friends and some friends who forgotten me but I will make more new friends and good truthful friends.

When Boon Aun says, "Forget them la, you have us." My heart feels so warm. Warm-ie pengu family ;)

Thank you God for letting my mind and heart see it.

It has been a long time since I last been here.

Everything seems like transitioning,
every day seems like only God and I walk together,
every day feels like enemies are near four sides of me,
every step gets me to fall and get up to learn more;
every breathe seems to be of valuable, and every words and thoughts have been important.

Every moment sounds like in trouble.
More like what?

I am numb by the confusion.
I am annoyed by the insecurity and fulling other people's demands most of the time.
I like the stretching.
I like the punching.
I like the limitation that makes creativity comes out the show the way.

Here I am God. Help me.

I don't know why but he has mood swing.

I don't know what to say and don't want to go near him.

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Right thing to do vs. selfish and mind your own business

What would you do?

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I tend to forget that I am the teacher and I am their teacher.

I will forget that I am in charge and when I remember I feel nervous.

I let the feeling surrounds me. Surrounding me.

The feeling runs over me and I push it back again.

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I want to take a shower, I feel that the heat is surrounding me.

His emo-ness makes me emo too.

How? I don't like. How? IT IS AFFECTING ME NOW.

I don't want to help.

I am tired of solving other people's problems. I really respect and salute how Mother Teressa did it. How she pulls herself back in one piece when she has to help so many poor, sick, I believe that some people might have lied to her and treated her rudely.

I am tired that I was living in someone's else lie. My reality cannot connect back to the truth that has just revealed. The liar is selfish and did not even want to think of the consequences and how does it hurt the person who believes and wants to help.

I am tired of guessing games. The solution is do my best and it is God whom I need to give my accounts to.

Every day God is stretching me. Changes are molding me to b flexible and sharper than before to know how to take proactive steps.

However, I am sick of lies. I am sure that I am blessed with the gift of innocence. I am innocent, not naive, yet I was being told lies for half a year. I feel very disappointed, I tell God today that I forgive them but I cannot forget. But, it will be a reminder.

Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them. Proverbs 24:16

Be brave and strong! Don't be afraid of the nations on the other side of the Jordan. The Lord your God will always be at your side, and he will never abandon you. Deuter:31:6

These verses comfort me a lot. I cannot give help to others for this mean time. I really fall down in the midst of helping people. I saw myself angry and cannot forgive them then I saw myself standing in a sandy and muddy valley. There were many metal chains tide up loosely all around me. I could get out from there but I did not and start touching the chains and staring at them. I saw lights in front of me direct me to get out from that valley. So, I told God. I want to get out from the valley, free from the chains before they get tighten up and look upon Him, worship Him and focus on Him. At that moment, I feel the tightness on the heart has been released.

Now, my emotion and my mind are not yet fully recover from the shock and the pain. However, I know that my spirit has been touched my God's mighty presence and I am flying with Him.

Thank you Father in Heaven for the wonderful presence. Your words and your promise are real.

Voice

This is the day of time where I feel that I am tired. The tiredness is caused by the dissatisfaction, the long waiting and the unsettled account.

I have always, always been waiting.

When ever will it be on time? Do you want me to speak it out like rain pours down and wet all of you? The unspoken language to know the limit and the need to be on time to settle some important things is just like the sun light shines on you and you feel the heat but the heat is unseen through our eyes.

I have breathless time when suddenly you come to tell me the change. A change that has nothing to do with being flexible or not. It is unreasonable change.

Is there a way for you to say my opinion? Is that my work is not good enough? I only expect on time and the protection you can offer.

Today, a parent asked me why I look tired. I just replied - work. She asked me whether I am happy or not.

My answer is I am grateful and happy than anyone else I know. The children I love are always surrounding me and I could help them with their needs and give them knowledge, love and care. This is the time when I feel the role of teacher is appreciated and needed.

When they call me teacher I just feel so sweet and joyful. My heart will just feel/responds one way- like sun shinning its potential energy - sun light - to warm every single person on earth and let earth starts working and living.

My body is as stubborn as me. I will not go to bed until I almost finish my whole body's energy. Stubborn, eh? But it is me.

Today, I made a decision to call hq. I voiced my opinion which regarding effectiveness and cost effective. The person just told me that 'business needs to take out money for investment.' SICK! I think I did make a point to her that it is about effectiveness and invest in nonsensical parking is not cost effective.

A side of me thinking- am I sound like stingy? But it is not her money she handle, it is our blood and sweat money - stress, work, determination and endless talk - to get a business deal. Moreover, the point is about cost effectives and convenience for every one who needs to attend the meeting. Do I sound stingy or a common sense business minded woman?

Go for it? Don't go for it? Go for it? Save the cash better...???

Suddenly the need of having a new laptop arises 10 times than before.

The reason is I really cannot always depends on grace to use better and faster laptop from others. It just cannot last long.

However, looking at my bank account. It just does not allow me. Moreover, it will pull my dream to save around 10k in a year further. I have calculated before that it is impossible for me to save 10k a year after deduction of expenses. The most is 5 to 6k. Still, I wish to really save 5k!

To upgrade my existing laptop will cost even more.
1. Battery = 300
2. Processor + others = 800
Total = 1100

By topping up another 1200, I can buy a total brand new and even better Lenovo lappy.

I feel bad to always depend on grace to do my work faster. I feel embarrass as I should have my own laptop as it is my job.

What should I do? To buy or not to buy?

To buy means do work faster, independent, mobility and cool factor increases by 5 times BUT saving plan goes down into half only.

Not to buy means do work with this slow speed, not independent, not mobile friendly, cool factor is decreasing BUT saving plan will be near to reality.

Materialistic or need?

I really wish to write these in my list but I don't want to because it will permanently in my diary.

So, I write in my blog. Coz I know I will change the list once I am satisfied or bored with the dream xD another word can be 'give up' or 'I have thought through about it and find it not worth it to have it.'

The grace and anointing God is what I need. However, there are somethings that I really wish I have:

1. My Lenovo mini lappy

2. Cell phone

3. NEW SPECS, yes new specs.

4. saving plan. Yes, saving plan. No kidding.

My solid IBM is still solid and strong. Never give me troubles and I truly thank God for that. The only problem is upgrading is way too costly and it is really laggy. It is not so convenient for me to bring it around compare to have a mini one. *Looking at the sky and sigh* Some friends I know think that laptop is just cheap nowadays. Ya, it is true. However, saving is my first priority. I totally could not afford one now even the need of a new laptop is appearing. But, you are a teacher. I know. Teachers don't earn that much unless we do 'out source delivery' or get a good lecturing position.

It is dropping apart! Yes, my phone. Cool factor drops 5 points out of 10! *sniff sniff* Sony functions is very user friendly but as my career is reaching another level. I feel strongly that the need of a new cell to help me do my work is reaching to my nose. But, I really could not afford yet. *Looking down feeling sad*

Just now, I suddenly realised that I need a new specs. The rubber on the nose part is dirty and SO DAMN HARD TO CLEAN! My Gosh! I still cannot change specs because I still can't find a reasonable shop with good workmanship like the one I used to go in Penang. The uncle is just awesome. Some might think that I am just bias but it is true!!! That uncle has his own shop and most of his specs are not 'China stocks'. It is also very reasonable and his workmanship is just BEST OF THE BEST! Even daddy's specs still last until today. It is more than 8 years di!

Last but not least, a saving plan. There is this saving plan that I always wanted to start but I still could not commit yet. My source of bread is not stable yet and I am a bit worry to commit in the plan as I really dono whether I can afford to commit or not. My head has a lot of 'what if'... aaaaaaa...

Feel that I am materialistic. Looking at the list I only see money, new technology and cool gadget. That are what I want and also what I need. I need grace and blessing from God but I do not know why a part of me deeply feel that I am lack of something to move forward in daily life when I do not have these things.

I already know the next thing to come in the list is a spacious apartment and our design.

And, my ultimate desire is to have lots of billions in the bank to have unlimited usage and each month have big amount of profit putting into the account. That is honestly my ultimate dream. Crazy, am I?

Cool like that, cool like that

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Slap the tongue that speaks simply.

Close the ears that lightly listen to anything.

Open the eyes but did not see.

No head. No sense. No touch. No feel.

I am sick like that, sick like that, sick like that.

No choice so,

I am cool like that, cool like that, cool like that.

Virtue, Faith and peace are hard to keep. They remain in you but it is often hard to do it.

saving navy

When I heard the news, it was two months ago. Ever since then, every day I tell myself I must try to save. However, I will not be stingy but only will be wiser in spending.

Speedless. Felt down for some time. Thinking of why. On the other hand, I am the best person in the best position to understand the circumstances. Have been stop asking why. Knowing that God is in control and the programme will not be closed down and He who is almighty will prosper it.

Next month onwards, finance will be tighter. I do not want to count the percentage of going down but I want to continue to give thanks and cry out to God for shelter and blessing.

I have to hide the shopping list for phone, laptop and clothes. They shall not be 'viewed' at all. It is hard especially I am in need of a good and friendly user phone. In my opinion, in time like this buying another gadget definitely is luxury. I must not indulge in luxury.

Dillemma II

Is it fair? It is not fair. I am watching a dance show on tv that tells me the winner is not the best and worst not great enough to be called the top 3.

Fake is the word. It was done so fast and without hesitation the winner would go to the top and then without any further evaluation they won. What is the system? No system? Where is the quality? Quality is in the head of the egoistic heart.

I feel that it is a disgrace to the nation. The people 'they' favour will be the chosen one whereby the most qualify one is left behind. It has been happening in the nation from politics to education to civil service and now to the dance show. I feel disgusted and annoyed. We are not civilised. Going down to the same par with military country.

Dillemma

Looking at my phone and laptop, it says that I should change either one of them. My hand phone has not been user friendly anymore and it gives me ear pain whenever I answer phone calls. Also, it does not look cool anymore. Secondly, it is my laptop. It is solid, water proof and unique IBM. The company no longer produces this type- it is believed to be the best. Thank God for this laptop. However, it is really not fast enough for me to cope with my work and I no longer can carry it around like I used to. The battery is dead. It is totally not convenient and user friendly.

Longing for a good and user friendly phone yet must look cool. Longing for Ipad- the dream laptop I have been always wanted. It was as though a dream but when Ipad came out I have goosebumps because I always think that a cool laptop should be like that.

Dreams are always dreams. A cool phone can easily costs up to 2k or 3k. I would spend so much for phone for phone price drops easily and rapidly. The cool and good phone on the market is 1.3k to 1.5k and that is consider cheap. Honestly, I do not wish to invest so much on phone. I rather save half of the money and spend only about 700 or 800++ for a good phone. My insight tells me to save but my the other sight tells me that I really need to do something about it.

I want a laptop. Almost buy the Lenovo mini until I watch the ads of Ipad. My taste bugs tell me only go for Ipad as the rest of the computer in the market are out dated except for Apple, IBM and etc.

Open my wardrobe, I am once again suddenly conscious that I need to go for shopping. My body gives me trouble to find suitable clothes. Sometimes it is not about money or brand, it is all about my body and I reject many style simply because I do not like it and they do not look good on me.

These factors always make my day not bright anymore and confident level goes down. Do you feel the same sometimes? I feel it most of the time.

My blog has been a place for me to say this breath and this moment of feeling. I do not know how and why. I was advice that I just gotto to let it happens and go through it.

Why?

Four things I fear most of the time:

1# Being treated with rule manner such as being yelled at and accusation.

2# Wait for answer and payment

3# Easily tired and fatigue

4# Running out of supply especially stationary

The last fear I can overcome it most of the time and God has never fail to provide me enough. However, the top three fears always visit me day in and day out. Sometimes they win, sometimes I win. Recently, I experience a lot of their visit in every corner of my life.

I ask God have I not been faithful. Did I ever owe God anything that I forgot to pay Him back? Why do I have to go through all these? Why and for what?

Others did not need to go through all of these and sometimes they even demand without feeling what is shameful and their moral values. Have I not done what I should do? Why I have to go through all these?

My teaching days

I tell myself I got to blog.

1. Do not let normal young children go home schooling

Case 1:

A young tall six year old boy, wearing sporty shirt and most probably his favourite sports shoes. He smiles but his face is always pale and tired.

Entring the centre, holding his mother's hand tightly. He no longer talks so much but sits down on the sofa with his sister. Walking towards the classroom door that is just about 15 steps of walking from the sofa, the boy anxiously turns his head to look at his mother and non stop calling his mother. Almost-in tears.

Mummy has to say yes to go to the classroom with him. Sitting down and feeling even down. Looking at his test paper but his eyes keep rolling to peak whether the mummy is around or not.

Observation: This is not usual for six year old child especially being so dependent and anxious to enter a classroom.

Investigation: Home schooling. Totally a healthy boy. Learning from few very famous and good programme, local and international programme. BUT, it has been always in a small group, as small as not more than 5 children in a class. Literally study at home. No social life, no social skill, never been exposed to classroom atmosphere and classroom based- learning and that result in hardly learn social skill and has any opportunity to be trained to be independant.

Opinion and feelings: He is not my son. His future only God knows and if the parents never believe in any school or classroom his mind will be stimulated like any other person. Hence, he might not know or have survival skill, social skill, leadership skill,charisma, practicality, speed and accuracy in handling work. Growing up will be a hard process for him, adapting in the 'work out there' and work place will be... I have no words anymore.

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Case 2:

Born with heart problem. Slow almost more than a year compare to his peer. Family is always busy like any other family. Being train to do work with accuracy and speed. Made understood that learning is part of life and he has to study no matter how.

Emotional boy is him. Manja boy is also him.

Observation: Attend normal school. Do worksheets given with slower speed than any children - as his heart will make him feel tired easily and sometimes hard to breath. As time pass, he is stronger physically and mentally. Parents send him for swimming and excuses such as suddenly feel tired to skip school or skip any classes are hardly attended.

Result: Math, English, Bahasa Malaysia and social skill have improved a lot. Beyond expectation. From day 1, no totally and almost literate, til now master the basic of all the core subjects.

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Shopping trip: Do not believe and listen to what sales person says when you are the FIRST TIME talking to the person.

I went to the wholesaler of stationary. Thinking they would have at least cheaper deal from other book shops.

The sales person opens her mouth saying the three brands that are 'branded' stationary and they only specialise in suppling 'branded' stationary to big companies and small domestic companies. Out from the three, only one brand I would say is branded, the one every household would use but mummy sure complains when we asks her to restock for us - the Pilot.

I request specially for certain brands for pens, erasers and pencils. They have none of the brands I name.

The next thing from her is those brands are 'China products, not good one, no customers request one la, a lot of problems one and they are not the branded name.' I still smiling and politely state my disagreement 'Then, let me show you this, sure suits your price' follow her to walk to a big bunch of boxes and she takes out the pens to show me. MY GOSH! The brand I dislike the most.

I thank her and left.

Opinion and feelings: I grow up in bookshop at a Convent School and never fail to follow mummy to the main supplier for stationary to get stocks and never fail to try out all brands that mummy's company could offer.

Perhaps from my appearance, it does not show at all I have experience with a lot of stationary in the market but Please do not tell me that the brands I am looking for are not good. We love the brand as it makes us feel even want to write more, mark more books and after using the brand we do not want any brand anymore.

Moreover, when I find out the price from them. My jaw wants to drop. The price is almost tripple higher. We drive to local bookshop and get discount from the owner. Although it is not the brand I want, it is reasonable and I have tested the brand before it is good. The price is still almost double lower than the wholesaler. Customers OUT THERE watch out!

Tide. Faithfulness. Glorify and Exalt God

Fri, 11 June.

Rushed to go back early so that I could go to hospital earlier to visit Boon Aun. The first time of so long working there, there was a car blocking my way. She just parked there and went down for shopping. WTC! Idi*T!

I sensed it. Finally strongly assured that it was attack. It is.

Sat, 12 June.

I left home at about 8.50am. My watch and the clock in the car said it is 8. 55 ... 8.59am.. when I was ready to drive it said 9.05am. All the time of the above were not true as I purposely tuned the clock run 6 mins faster for the car, 10 mins faster for the watch and 8 mins faster for the phone.

I headed and was already at MMR2 at around 9.05am (the real 9.05am). I told myself most probably will arrive at Desa Park at 9.25am. I was kind of relief.

After passing Batu Caves, the jam started. I could not believe it but it was real. The cars were lining up as though people were driving from JB to Singapore. DAM* LONG!

My 30 mins distance became 1 hour and 45mins driving. I could not do anything but pray that the mess that was going to happen in the office could be handled.

KM classes did not go well. Voices and opinions saying there might be closing down. End of the class. Deduction of my pay. It was a chaotic Sat. Appointments suddenly cancelled and parents complained of the KM teachers. The good part was I still sensed that the kind of God's peace was and is still in my heart and He had and has faithfully answer each and every prayer of mine for the centre.

I was very down. I work so hard but each time there is something there trying to squeeze the blessing out from my hands and snatching them away.

Praise God! God is always faithfully loving me. His blessing never stops.

Sun, 13 June.

The first time I woke up so early to go to church. Arrived at church at 9.08am. My body and my head were not listening to each other. I could feel that the body was in total sleeping mode.

30mins later, sermon started. Praise God for His words and His faithfulness! Hopelessness and crisis are the opportunity God pours down His blessing and hope.

Pastor started to preach. I wanted so badly to listen to what he wanted to preach. Suddenly, I felt it. I experienced severe fatigue and exhaustion. I could not focus at all and the body was turning into sleeping mode. My head was still conscious listening to pastor but the body could not.

I have never encounter such tiredness. My body slept through the whole sermon but believe it or not my head actually was clear and listened and managed to wake up to jot down notes.

Mon, 14 June

Early morning I was awaken with anxiety. I was worry that I would be caught up with unexpected jam. There was a group of students coming for morning session. However, my whole body experiencing aching again. I totally did not know what to do but lying down waiting energy to come back.

It didn't.

Nevermind. Stood up with both legs, thighs, feet souring aching, head and vision turned white. I walked to the bathroom.

Rushed to pick up Anne's margarine. Suddenly, I experienced gastric. Gosh! WTH!

Walked to the car as quick as I could. OMG! THE CAR WAS DEAD. TOTALLY SILENTLY DEAD. The battery was dead! Thank God for Kee Aun's dad for helping. Honestly, I totally did not know what to do but to call Uncle Edwin. Thank God for him.

At this moment, I felt that the prophesy was true. It was a tide. I felt it. Knew they are coming. Didn't expect it to be so fast.

Came home tired. Cancel Mark's class hopefully can visit Boon Aun and to prevent car dying at Auntie Jackie's place. Fall asleep after knowing the trip to visit him was cancelled.

Supposed to sleep to wake up very early tomorrow to work. I could not sleep again. Just could not. I hope by blogging and finishing my work I can sleep better.

I am down with sickness

I am down with sickness and my heart was beaten up with sadness.

I ask God to show me why I work so hard.

I cannot effort to allow too much chaotic happens and I will clean up messiness.

I will give all my parents at least an answer.

I will not quit my responsibility even I am very sick or it has nothing to do with me.

Is it because I am a perfectionist or it is a good character?

I also don't know why when things go bad, I am as though the victim to be angry at and release tension. First from both of my parents then my parents then from the people I care and love.

I defend myself but the tension still keep coming.

What should I do?

Patient?

Care again?

Not to feel?

Sometimes, spend my time loving myself is better. At least I will have a good treatment for myself.

The Love that never fails.

The screen appears '120'. My ears as though heard the bell ringing to congrat me for hitting the target!

I am very excited; at the same time, worried. Worry as good things never stay and sometimes it will be taken away. Hence, I just laid hand and prayed. I handed the number the hand of the Lord and I handed the changes and quality of my centre in the care of the Lord. As the wine the Lord transform was good wine.

For the past few months,

'WAAH! This month is just... just... odd (no words to describe)... Our number has started to increase.'

'Praise God. It is Him. He heard my prayers.'

'I wonder why this month there is so many people sign up?' I just smiled and replied 'It is God. Praise God. He heard my prayers. I pray every day for our centre.'

I want to honour God for what He bless us. I want to remember what God has done for me and to encourage my readers that in God anything is possible.

I pray that God continue to anoint and bless you. I pray that He shines upon any darkness and only the peace bright light will remain.

This is blog post is to praise God and to continue to be a living testimony.

Action is louder than words.

I want others to read this and know that God loves you and He is excited for your every moment of prayers- share our life with Him, even it is the most impossible one.

photo albums

Looking at my old albums, realized that most of my album is about me. It is all about me and the trip I have been to. Well, it was not wrong but I feel kind of gross. I want a change.

I dono why I feel excited whenever I sign in my blog. Thanks for the skin, kee aun ;)

Strawberry, Wan Tan mee and Andrew

Todaya box of strawberry and wan tan mee bringten my day.

I woke up at 7.30am and got out from my house at 8.45am sharp. It felt so good though very sleepy and tired. 'How does it feel? OOoooh, it feels good , oh it feels so good. All it feels x3 so good.' The motivation supercamp cheer came back to my head.

The whole day I was cheering with my students. I even sang them their favourite laughable song 'Fatty fatty bumm bumm, who is the naughty naughty buum bumm?' Then I will stand up or turn to see who is not doing their work. Well, you probably thinking that is suppose for... little kids? Yes, they are the most adorable, sincere and beautiful children. From the age of 4 until 6 years old. THEY LOVE IT WHEN I SING THAT SONG! xD

My students, who is 6 years old, Andrew. He saw me buying buns at the bakery near by my centre. He shouted and waved to so loud and so hard. He was sincerely happy and excited to see me buying buns at the same bakery. The crowd at the store was obviously looking at us. The whole world knows that I am a teacher now. Thanks, Andrew xD but the sweetest thing is the recognition he gave me and the sincere excitement to meet his teacher. This is like the best part of being a teacher!

I remember I have the same feeling when I meet my lecturer. The thingling and sour feeling under the belly and I suddenly feel nervous but I will be very excited to give him/her a greeting and acknowledgement.

Jesus says to enter the kingdom of God we must have a childlike heart. It is so much to learn from the heart of a child.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you - Mat 5:43-44

When anger is still stirring in me, it leads me to another level of emotion and hatre will start to grow in me.

The anger has came to a point that if I do not deal with it, it is going to bring me to disaster to my life. It will chain me to forgiveness and hurt. I do not realise that at all, part of me keep telling myself it is part of life. Just let it pass then it will be fine. But it just never pass. Trust me. It just never. In fact, it stirs me up more than just an issue when problem comes.

My dear Lord Jesus said to me today,

You have heard that it was said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43-44).

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It rings like an alarm into my head. Soft, gentle but 'annoying' enough that wakes me up.

Yes, the enemy has its way to persecute me. In so many ways that words cannot explain and tongue is hard to explain.

I was so much into my own anger, caught up by my own anger, that I almost forgot about what Jesus said and taught about love. I also forgot that Jesus walked with me even when that moment, He knows what happened to me, happened and my feeling hurt.

Look upon Jesus of His love when anger is stirring deeper inside. I am still learning to forgive and love. May God helps me to pray for my enemy and continue to love.

I am loosing my head now.

I tell myself I will never miss church again.

This morning I woke up with 'one kind' of feeling, my body was just not connected to my mind. I wanted to go to church so much but my body told me that she was too exhausted to get up for me to church.

The trouble doubled up I was told to drive to church myself.

My body continued to lay down to rest for awhile... Without realizing, I fell asleep.

I found myself woke up at 11.56am.

I felt regret the whole day after that. Regretted that I did not insist to go with them to church and I hated my body was so weak.

Smart Kids Exhibition

Smart Kids exhibition at PWTC.

Consultation

I told myself many times that a blog without photos is just not colourful enough.

It feels one kind as I posted these photos as I don't like to talk about work and even post it up as though it is part of important events that worth to be reflected in my personal journal - my blog.

I post them in my blog as I feel that I want to share my life with most of my readers and friends who did not see me for a long time.

Believing in a programme and be the instructor to teach the syllabus are hardly my cup of tea. I would rather stick to the classic teaching methods. However, in Mr. Lim's class, the discussion of using a good programme and books to teach had been in my mind. The discussion and acknowledgment of Mr. Lim encourage and inspire me to be the instructor and franchisee of the programme.

It has been more 5 months ever since I use the syllabus, the books and worksheets to teach young children and advance learners. I find that it is a good programme and it has proven result to help to develop the learner's mind.

Most of the Franchisees instructors are not misusing the programme just to make money. Some minds tend to have such prespective. They are working very hard and in many ways they are trying to help many students and children to bring the best out of them and to train them to develop sharp mind.

Some educators do not have good impression about the private educator. Perhaps they think that we, as I am one of the private educators, just want money and hardly care for the progression of the students. It is a fallacy.

It is time to break the fallacy.

We are working hard and care very much for all our students. Each time when a child manage to solve a question, we cheer for them. When they are able to answer correctly and score well in school, we jump for joy with them.

I do not know how to conclude my journal. I tell myself I do not need a conclusion as though I am writing a formal essay because it is my journal I end it the way I feel I want to.

Last but not least, all I have now is simply because of Jesus and His favour upon me. It is Him and His grace.

Gen code reading

My time pass very fast. It has been so fast that I feel it is not up to date to blog.

I give thanks to God for fruitful and meaningful time I have been through.

Parents go crazy when they don't know how to handle their children. And, some even claim that children are gift so you can't choose. They search for many ways, books, religious help and medical help. Now, parents are more civilised and educated, they go for Gen-code reading. The child just need to press his thumb and other fingers on a small machine, like the one we see when we go to register our Identity card, then the machine will analyse his inborn character. The programme will read his inborn character as well as his health condition. The agent will give you recommendation and suggestions on how to teach and control your child. A saying says 'Good things never come cheap'. It is indeed the course is expensive but many parents are very curious to know and they are will to spend that amount of money.

I ask myself would I do the same thing too to read my child's inborn character. My answer is 50, 50. I think back the old generation when they do not need any of this yet they can train good people who have common sense, manners and respect other people. How do they do that?

On the other hand, there are many broken relationships since the older generations as they do not know how to share common interest and they do not share the language of love. Hence, they do not have good relationships.

Would gen-code helps to improve relationships and parenting skills? It is really interesting to know. Will you update.

Psalm 3 Reformation

Reformation is a change of mindset, mentality, paradigm and etc.

Reformation of spirit is removing dryness, deadness, renew faith and hope in God.

Pastor Ong Sek Leang

'The people will wander through the land, discouraged and hungry. In their hungry and their anger they will curse their king and their God. They may look up to the sky or start at the ground, but they will see nothing but trouble and darkness, terrifying darkness into which they are being driven.' Isaiah 8:21-22

This speaks about the nature of human. I, for one, will feel angry and frustrated and see nothing but trouble when things happen. I will even start cursing people.

Psalm 2 First time

First time experience to count as reformation:

cleaning service

temporary house mate and maid

door lock spoils and hardly get into my own house

holding full responsibility in educating other people's children

giving out name card to be called 'Instructor'

to be praised as the child has improvement in studies

live without salary for almost quarter of the month

talk without feeling intimidated and ' pai seh'

Psalm 1

There is no good or bad decision. Life is about a new thing after another new thing.

Comfortable secure is not secure at all.

Success is not equal to work. Success is letting God live through you.

Senior Pastor Ong Sek Leang

Fountain - where is it?

Many exploration of myself and growing relationship with the people around me.

Time passes so fast that I could not have time to release my thoughts in my post.

This is the most dry season I have ever encountered. I did not know why and still do not know why.

I cried while driving as I miss those days walking closely with God.

Where is the problem? I am still searching but I know that God still loves me regardless how I feel.

I enjoy teaching and I like my job. I enjoy that every moment of my life is used for the good of my company and for my students. I am always busy with something which keep me alive.

I see conflicts in myself and complications. Where has simplicity gone to?

I wish I will not need to sleep or rest so that I will finish ALL my things in hand then take a big rest but I know that this just cannot be happening.

I am loosing my head now.

If If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"; If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run - Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! -------------------------------------------------- I am loosing my cool when the words of man attack my mind again. Sigh. I want to get over it but the more I want to get over it the more I could not.

Sins of tongue

The Overused tongue

Ecclesiastes 5:3 says that "a fool's voice is known by multitude of words." People think they appear smart by much talking, but the Bible states just the opposite. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, "Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few." God doesn't like a blabber mouth.

The Backbiter tougue

Proverbs 25:23 and Romans 1:30 make mention of a backbiting tongue. A backbiter is someone who uses their tongue against you when you aren't present, yet they will not face you with their charges when you are present. This is a cowardly backbiter who would rather stir up problems than solve problems.

A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT the preacher than talk TO the preacher. A backbiter would much rather talk ABOUT some weak Christian in the church than offer some words of encouragement TO them. A backbiter is of no use to anyone, and no one has ever been strengthened or edified through backbiting. Beware of the backbiters, especially the ones who sow discord among brethren (Pro. 6:19)!

I was upset when his tongue backbite me. I was angry and hurt like any other human.

But, I tell myself I don't want to be anyone else other than myself. I am not bound to any form of his standard. There is a teaching from SuperCamp that says 'The rejector is actually the one being rejected'. Not only that, bible tells me that the tongue is the 'deadly posion' that kills us.

There is another saying 'the mouth is on his face, you can't control him from saying anything.'

I have decided to let God heals me and deal with it. He is the rejector and he will still get the rejection.

Being different

So, what if I am different. Who are you to judge me?

Judging me shows that how lack of confidence you are and how low your self esteem is.

It has been a habit that your mouth blackmail and gossip about others. It has been a habit until the lies in your mouth blind you to make you think that you are doing great things.

I pray God has mercy on you to show you the right way to behave.

You need a life.

-------------------------------------Penang--------------------------------------------------
Everyone here needs a life to move on.

Tradition reflects your identity but it brings you to no further and no direction.

To hold it with you will drown you. Wake up and have a hobby or a life.

I weep when I know traditions tear you apart from God who loves you so much.

I pray God shakes the island to wake you up.

Stubborn. Proud. Stubborn and proud.

It is so rich. Full of heritage and language. But the monoply continues to monopollizes and the labourers continue to labour til the end of life.

I pray God shows mercy on you.

Mini Skirt scandals

Watched the movie again. It left me thinking. I am still satisfied with the acting especially the coy face of the actress and her emotions in the movie. I just cannot express it and wonder how she could portray such emotion. She is a real professional actress.

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Today I wore a mini skirt to a school. I kind of forgot that we were heading to the school as my mind was thinking and feeling that today is my OFF DAY!

When I arrived in the school. All the memories about teaching practice came back and I felt that I was once again a secondary school teacher.

'Don't judge the book by its cover.' 'The Inner beauty is the ...' I heard them saying their chorus speaking from outside.

The next thing I get was a rejection from the school simply because I carelessly forgot that I needed to come to the school first before going to Ikea. Kee Aun, thank you for helping me and stand by my side.

I was speechless and bit pissed off. I came to help the students but there was not even a thank you. No payment at all. That hours we could have done so many other things but we want to help the students that is why we feel happy to go. *DAMN POTONG STEAM* =.=

But, I tell myself it is ok. They judged me by the book cover is just human nature. Some more, I was at their territory. I know what I am doing and who I am. It is ok though I had to stay and 'hide' for most of the time to avoid letting the teacher coming back again to tell me to leave the school.

Most of all, I still enjoyed the trip all the way to the school and the hours spent with the student to help them out with their Chorus Speaking. Finger crossed - NO REGRET!


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I am just a sinner who is by God's grace I am saved and loved dearly. I still make mistakes. I still can't get up early to be a discipline good role model. Sometimes, I sinned accidentally - told some white lies before too - don't ask me why and when.

It is by God's grace my life is still good to go. Thank you God for Your faithfulness.

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I am very excited tomorrow I am going to work. Thank God for all He gives because He provides.

regret

I moved house today. I screwed up things I feel. It happened because of some mistakes and some miscommunication. I regretted deeply. No one could understand the regrets I feel. Sorrow knocking my head and heart. Anxiety hits me deeply.

I never experience such silly mistake. I am always aware of what is going on. It is not pride but don't know why I made silly mistake like this. I deeply regret and no words but sorry to the people I cause trouble.

I hope that bad things happen for good. I hope God bless this mistake to be a double opportunity for better things.

------------ I am real sorry for a silly mistake like this, I tell myself I will not do it again. ------------

Thank you God for the cross the mighty cross

Thank you God for loving me and keep me awake. Thank you for the cross.

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Moving into new place. Very comfortable and the noise outside actually keep me feel more peaceful than my old place. The car moving makes me feel so alive and so safe. I just have to stand up and look out and I will see all my neighbour around me. I can't wait to experience my first night here.

MOST OF ALL, I GOT INTERNET CONNECTION HERE! YEAH!

I want to continue pray that God's presence fills this place and My 2010 resolution is bible reading and pray earnestly.

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Birthday surprise

I was looking back some old album in facebook. Those photos I took with my ex housemates and coursemates. It seems to be time has made it so long ago but the memories in my head are still fresh and sweet. I was wondering how are all my friends now.

This morning, I received a call from Ms. Weng. I received a bouquet of flowers for my birthday this morning. It was as only happen in movies but it was real. Thanks to Juayn for your kind and sincere thoughts of me and the generous gift.

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I coughed the whole night and the whole morning. I experienced a long period of cough. I don't know why but pray hard that I will recover soon. I have SIX types of medication to finish >.<

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Waiting for you to come home.

I have no words to comfort you over what happened.

Life goes on. I am here for you.

Hero

Tomorrow is my off day. Finally I have time to sit down to enjoy facebooking and blogging.

I still disagree with children using facebook and blogspots. My nephew as young as seven year old has facebook account - always active, msn chatroom and play online game for the whole afternoon right after finishing his homework. I still disagree. Their time should be filled with other activities such as reading, outdoor adventures, gardening, board games or even sleeping. Blogging and facebook are not bad but it is not healthy for children. They are not at the right state to use these network properly. I know it is easy to say hard to do but parents should really do something about it. Discipline and being strict are the key and consistent and integrity are the values to go with.


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My love one has come home finally. He came home with a tired face and defeated feet xD rot at the chair di.

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I want to acknowledge Kee Aun's father for being a hero of the week. He is more accurate than Google map, customized to cater to your need, more friendly than anyone I ever met and his network wave length is stronger than any P1 or Streamx.

Uncle Edwin found a real good deal of parking lots at wisma UOA. For those who need to go there for business meeting will know how does it feel when you pay the parking. The cold-blooded machine will show and announce the amount you have to pay and unwillingly you have to dig your pocket to pay. If your business meeting takes more than 5 or 6 hours, better bring more than RM20 with you or don't dream of getting out there.

Saviour is here! Unlce Edwin helps me to end my sorrow - He found a good deal of RM6 per entry. OOOOHH YEEEAAAAAH! Now, I can go there for meeting without have to worry about the parking. Can even to go 'kacau' the K*R*an xD

Thank you, Uncle! You are the world class GPSR.

Thank you Lord

As the number of student is increasing, I kind of worry that I cannot maintain the standard. The moment I know there is new student signs up, the echo of *Ka-ching kaching* (especially the voice of Ryan - dude, I miss you! xD) will come to my ears and my head.

But what I worry is I cannot manage the parents and still could not teach the students well. This is another challenge for me.

A new part time- full time teacher is coming. I hope this is a person God sends.

change one change three

It is like another class in campus. The room is exactly like UM tutorial room even the chairs and the white board, worst than the tutorial room in Edu fac. I tell myself it is really a bored room, is meant to make someone bored xD

The tutor blah blah blah at the front. I learnt something new today. I praise God. I ask God for forgiveness as I cannot stop yawning and feeling bored when I was in the room.

Change one change three.

Waited there for an appointment that suddenly cancelled. Timetable went hire wired.

Worked in subway and suddenly Excel went crazy. Most of the data was gone.

It was a bad start but God turned it to be a blessed day. I thank God for that and pray that He will continue to provide. Amen.

eh eh eh, THURSDAY is coming! xD

So, what?

There are so many things in my list but I only have seven days a week and 24 hours a day. Every day is just not enough and I make the most out of it.

I want my phone back or sell it off.

Monday is class + packing + change all the changes online.

Tuesday and Wednesday is FUT. Training whole day and look at the people I don't like to meet.

Thursday is bus ticket day.

Friday and Saturday is full class day.

Sunday is worship day and family day.

I must go on oats diet.

Inspiration comes in flick seconds

Everyone is a historian to create the yet to come.

Do not give the opportunity to others to take over to make the history, we create.

Excited!

This is my new skin for my blog. I am super excited and motivated to write blog.

Thank you kee aun for the hours our fingers clicking.

Oh Yeah!!! Colar bear ears :P